US military commander urges special biscuits and other measures to control lust in the troops

Funny story written by joseph k winter

Friday, 22 November 2013


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According to the commander's office this attire was responsible in the now infamous shorts attack

An unspecified spokesperson has come forward to speak for the unspecified commander who told a military rape victim she was at fault for being attacked in 2012.

According to this commander, she must assume complete responsibility, because she was wearing running shorts. These shorts brought on an unmitigated spate of lust from male marines emerging from the surrounding landscape.

Her use of makeup added to the problem. Aroused and helpless males were driven to the testosterone-compulsive behavior.

Blaming the victim as a response from high ranking officers in the military is behind current attempts in the senate to change the investigative system for rapes and such abuses in the US military.

The number of assaults stands at 26,000 yearly and counting. However, as the commander has pointed out, that is approximately only 71.2 sexual assaults a day throughout a normal year.

Moreover, this commander and a number of his colleagues have come forward with correctives to the problem, which are now being studied.

The commander has recommended:

*new high-energy breakfast biscuits loaded with Vilex agnus-castus, also known as "chaste tree berry" and "monk's pepper."

*this substance replaces saltpeter which as deterrent turns out to be myth and damaging to the kidneys whereas Vilex agnus-castus has worked for centuries to dampen rape enthuasiasm.

*beloved sayings deriving from the US Navy will be implemented throughout all branches of the service, as with "Think with the bigger of your two heads."

*the even more beloved saying in the Navy "drop your c---ks and grab your socks" will also be employed at "lights out" as in "drop your socks and grab your c---ks" to urge nightly relief at bedtime.

*females must cooperate in these ventures as with uniform changes which will imitate the garment known as the burqa, as found in Saudi Arabia.

*that is, the entire US female combat attire will be a camouflage version of the burqa, leaving only the eyes of the female exposed.

*females will NOT wear any eye-enhancing makeup nor allow their eyes to move and flash provocatively.

*females engaged in running activities must not wear shorts or any such highly incendiary clothing, which henceforward will be automatically designated "terrorist behavior."

The commander behind these ideas is leading the way to safeguard males from unwarranted and unfair accusations from females that they have haplessly raped due to their ineptitude at controlling their erectile and other physiological functions.

However, one dire warning has come forth, from who knows where, although Saudi Arabian intelligence is suspected.

Images of females wearing only the top part of a burqa (covering head and upper shoulders, the rest of the body nude) have been discovered in various military sleeping quarters following the "drop your socks and grab your c---ks" 1-MC announcements.

A frenzy has been reported amongst the troops, and it's possible the burqa requirement could backfire by increasing the rape factor. Or it might reduce troop vitality due to lack of sleep and "burqa-enticement."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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