The Pope Launches Catholic Lite

Funny story written by Monochrome

Thursday, 14 September 2006

image for The Pope Launches Catholic Lite
It's OK, He's Not Looking!

In the latest attempt to stem the continuing decline in church attendances, the Pope has launched the Catholic Lite initiative. Catholic Lite is aimed at those who would like to be committed Catholics but when faced with attending Mass every Sunday, not breaking any of the Ten Commandments and believing in the virgin birth just find it all too much. Catholic Lite lets you choose which parts of the Catholic docrine suit you and your life style.

Ten Commandments Lite.

Are you an adulterer or a thief? Do you no longer respect your mother and your father? Do you covet your neighbour's ox? If your answer is yes to any of these questions then Catholic Lite could be for you. Ten Commandments Lite lets you choose which commandments you are happy to commit to. If you want carry on thieving, adultering, disrespecting and coveting now you can do it without the guilt.

Mass Lite.

We all know how difficult it can be to get up on Sunday and get to Mass. Well now you choose just how often you can attend with Mass Lite. There's no need to lie in your pit feeling pangs of guilt while you nurse that hangover. Now it's OK to have a duvet day with the Church's blessing.

Confession Lite.

Still feeling bad about that little or maybe not so little indiscretion which you just couldn't quite bring yourself to admit to, even to your priest? Confession Lite moves the church into the 21st century as His Holiness says "Hey, we've all done it. Just forget it and move on."

Belief Lite.

You want to believe in the Virgin birth, you'd like to go along with bread and wine turning into the body and blood of Christ but just can't. Do you find the concept of heaven and hell just too much to take? Belief Lite lets you believe in just what you want to without the anguish.

Catholic traditionalists have condemned the latest Vatican initiative as a desperate attempt to appeal to modern popular culture. Father Francis O'Goblin (97) of The Children of Suffering and Guilt made the following statement.
"Catholic Lite? All we had in my day was candles! If you were lucky you had an oil lamp! No one in my village had a proper light and now His Holiness wants to give every Tom, Dick and Harry who has any doubts in his belief a light! The Catholic Church is about feeling guilt, self pity and suffering, preferably in the dark. Too many people nowadays go around having a good time and enjoying themselves and now they can do it with the light on!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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