Mellon hacking gang in the dock

Funny story written by queen mudder

Friday, 23 June 2006

image for Mellon hacking gang in the dock
Mellon: Skeletons in the closet?

London - (Associated Mess): Next week sees the eagerly awaited London High Court criminal trial of US banking and oil heir apparent Matthew Mellon, famous for his maternal great-grandma Katherine Drexel becoming a Roman Catholic saint in 2000 after the billionaire family persuaded ageing Polish Pontiff JP2 that it was very much in his best interests to canonize her for work with Native and African Americans bank account holders at the family bank.

Mellon, 41, who has maintained being a reformed cocaine addict for a number of years, was busted in January after Scotland Yard's Anti-Corruption Command team caught him hacking into confidential NHS medical files for alleged blackmail purposes.

When the UK mainstream media reported his astonishing London arrest, his lawyers threatened to sue any paper publishing information about the bust in case it spoiled business in 'Harry's' his fledgeling shoe selling business.... despite no mention of any shoe-bomber connection ever having been made or implied by anybody whatsoever.

However, UK investigative reporters persisted in digging around for Mellon skeletons in the proverbial closet and unearthed a crack team of bent UK cops who were involved with an extensive spying network of up to seventeen key players, where clients paid to get information on wealthy people and businesses by hacking into computers and eavesdropping on telephones.

Among this coterie in the dock is another multi-millionaire businessman, Adrian Kirby, who made his fortune in waste disposal.

Rubbish collection and associated dispersal is a well-known and highly lucrative New Labour industry that has thrived ever since security and intelligence service MI6 came up with the artful 'Dodgy Dossier' of 2002 that lead to the unearthing of Saddam's Weapons of Mass Delusion stockpiles.

Apart from association with a UK rubbish collection supremo, other charges facing the Mellon crew include allegedly conducting surveillance on law enforcement agencies and witnesses.

It is not yet known just how much rubbish Mellon has personally becomed involved with although a number of commentators in the UK have mentioned that there may be a blood-tie to the reams of trash that became accredited saintly miraculous works that got his great-grandma a Papal gong in the millenium year.

Mellon is due in the dock imminently with his hacking crew and the case will air in public all the rubbish that the defendants were digging up on allegedly super-wealthy individuals who the prosecutions says they were targeting for blackmail purposes.

Persistent rumours in the UK corridors of power have hinted that the whole case may well be part of an intricate sting operation initiated by UK cops as a revenge tactic against New Labour peerage wannabees who masterminded the entire WMD fantasy fiasco that propelled Bush and Blair into the heroic stratosphere of their political careers.

Either way, the Mellon closet will be flung open to the public in the next few weeks. Watch this space.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more