Assange fury after emails hacked

Funny story written by David Sapsted

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange is planning to quit his refuge in the Ecuadorean embassy in London after accusing officials there of reading his emails.

Assange, who ran screaming into the embassy in June claiming asylum in a bid to avoid extradition to Sweden on sexual assault charges, described the hacking of his emails by unknown embassy officials as "an assault of my basic freedoms".

He added: "It's a total disgrace. What sort of world are we living in when individuals can access your private emails and then share them with people all over the world? It is a gross intrusion that nobody should have to tolerate. I almost feel as if I have been raped."

Assange, who comes from Australia though few people there like to admit it, also revealed that he was suffering from depression as a result of having to listen to panpipe music all day in the embassy and being given roasted guinea pig to eat.

"To be honest," he told The Spoof, "I would prefer to face a firing squad in Sweden, particularly as they don't have capital punishment there, rather than have to listen yet again to the 'Now That's What I Call Panpipes No 69' CD.

"And the only DVDs they have are Che the Movie, Fidel the Movie, The Motorcycle Diaries and Carry On Up The Khyber. Not a single Jackie Chan, still less any of those hilarious Police Academy films.

"My advice to anyone seeking asylum is not to opt for the embassy of any central or south American country at all, if only on cultural grounds. I'm currently trying to see if Barbados, the Maldives or Martinique will have me but, oddly, they don't seem too keen."

Assange is fearful that, if he is extradited to Sweden, he will be sent to the United States to face espionage charges and the possible death penalty for leaking secret US diplomatic cables two years ago, even though now nobody has a clue what any of them were about.

Asked to comment on the current US attitude towards Assange, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton admitted: "I am very fond of panpipe music and Bill has always been keen on a portion or two of guinea pig. Or, perhaps, that was beaver."

When contacted for a reaction to Assange's claims of email hacking, a spokesman at the Ecuadorean embassy in London could not be heard above the background music.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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