BELOW THE BELTWAY REPORT: In a press briefing today at Martha's Vineyard where the President and his family are vacationing for the next 10 days, Barack Obama announced that before leaving Washington he had made a last minute deal with extraterrestrials to save the world from greenhouse emissions.
Obviously concerned by a recent report issued by NASA that aliens from outer space were monitoring our planet for green-house gases, he gave these do-gooders from outer-space the signal for a pre-emptive strike that would wipe out the United States, but allow for the government in Washington to function in a caretaker role after the destruction of every "swinging dick" that ever took a verbal shot at him for being an incompetent socialist. Admitting that some innocents might be killed in the attack, the President allowed "that God would have to sort them out later."
In their report, Would Contact With Extraterrestrials Benefit or Harm Humanity? A Scenario Analysis, the NASA researchers divided alien contacts into three broad categories: beneficial, neutral or harmful. Deciding that it really made no difference, as long as the aliens could be used to corral the serious threat of an out of control civilization spewing out CO2, they advised President Obama that the most appealing outcome would be the destruction of the United States, with the exception of Al Gore, Michael Moore and the Washington insiders who would end up rebuilding the United States of America.
"This pre-emptive strike would be particularly effective on Superbowl Sunday, where most people would be inside their homes and not clogging the freeways," the report stated. "Green aliens who object to the environmental damage humans have caused on Earth, should find little reason not to wipe us out to save our planet," said the President.
"After weighing all potential scenarios, our long term survival and the future path of civilization make this an easy choice."