Do-It-Yourself Dollars program created to stimulate the US economy

Funny story written by Michael Balton

Monday, 15 August 2011

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Washington, DC -- The US Treasury Department is introducing a program designed to stimulate the US economy from the bottom up. Called "Do-It-Yourself Dollars," the effort provides software American taxpayers can use to print their own cash.

"Now, any taxpayer who has access to a computer and printer can produce all the money they need, whenever they want," said Pres. Barack Obama In introducing DIYD. He explained that he got the idea while watching "Let's Make a Deal" reruns on television.

"We had been planning another stimulus round for the big banks and major corporations," the president said. "But they told us they now have more cash than they can use, so we slid down to the bottom of the ladder to see what kind of deal we could do there."

The Treasury Department was going to buy new presses to print currency for the bottom-up stimulus effort. "That's until we got an estimate on what new printing presses cost," the president recounted. "We don't have that kind of real money. But we do have an Internet connection, and Ben Bernanke's brother-in-law does a little programming on the side. That's what drove us to the digital route."

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner ticked off a list of major economic woes that he said the program will correct. "People keep asking us to create jobs," he said. "This program gives everyone a job -- a job making money."

Do-It-Yourself Dollars also aims at getting the mortgage debt crisis under control. "Homeowners can print all the money they need to pay off their loans," Geithner said. "Then they could go out and buy new houses, vacation homes maybe, and cars, lots of cars."

Finally, the latest stimulus plan is designed to rebalance America's trade deficit. "Who is going to be printing these new dollars?" Geithner demanded. "Not the Chinese, or the Brazilians, or the Russians, or the Saudis. It will be Americans who will once again be controlling their own dollars and their own destiny."

Asked why anyone would want to work, if they can print all the money they need, the Treasury Secretary replied: "Americans have the highest work ethic in the world. They are always screaming for more jobs."

The fact that the program only prints $1 bills was identified as another potential glitch. "We've created a subcommittee to look into that," Geithner said. "With the high price of paper and ink cartridges, it may cost more than a dollar to print a dollar. Perhaps we can include some Office Depot coupons with the deal."

No timetable for the actual launch of the program was provided. Several Republicans estimated that the President's program could be put into place "as soon as Hell freezes over."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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