Finnish Man Makes Fast Food Plea

Funny story written by Honey West

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

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Finnish Burger Delivery Van Of The Future?

A Finnish gentlemen named Sven Trapindafjord recently posted to a high-tech forum requesting fast food help.

"Please, I am asking very humbly, place for to where that will please do home deliver of hamburger to my doorstep?" In broken English, he valiantly attempted to make his plea clear.

Forum members around the world were puzzled but attempted to advise him appropriately. One member asked if his desire was truly practical, a hamburger traveling through the icy Finnish weather would most certainly be cold, soggy and ruined by the time it reached Sven's doorstep. Many of the members of the forum have advanced degrees in physics and know what will happen to the burger when subjected to the low temperatures.

"No! I am not thinking this will to happen. Car have heater, will keep hamburger warm. Need home delivery hamburger very bad, please."

Sven simply would not let the issue drop. He refused to give up on the concept of having a hamburger delivered to his Finnish doorstep. Obviously, he needed a burger bad, something most humans with compassionate souls can understand especially round about midnite when the munchies hit. The need for a hot, juicy, cheesy charbroiled burger dripping with grease is a primitve bonding experience that unites all mankind, crosses all cultural boundaries and barriers.

However, one, must be realistic.

Forum members continued to write back and forth with Sven, to reach out to him, emphasizing that fast food hamburgers simply don't travel well, they are meant to be consumed within a short time of preparation, eaten on the run, with the top down, in a Corvette, the wind blowing through your hair, a hot Finnish blonde at your side. But Sven would have none of it.

"Again I say No! I am not understanding this! It is business opportunity for hamburger person. My town is foolish place. Lack of mental vistas and horizons that make men great. I hate my foolish place of living. I can see far. These little men, they only can see little steps, small ways to do the big business. Why has this idea not been pursued? Hamburgers direct to the doorstep, that is all I ask!"

He found it impossible to believe that no enterprising person had conquered this niche market, the home hamburger delivery market.

Sven was aware that food items such as pizza and Chinese food were commonly available for home delivery but he didn't want that, he wanted a burger, period.

When frustrated forum members inquired further as to why Sven didn't simply go and get a hamburger from a burger place in his town, he replied, "Cannot do this, too far. 30 minutes by car and then a subway train. Ridiculous. Too difficult. Need hamburger delivered directly to doorstep, can't believe no delivery to me in this manner. Outrage! As we say in Finnish, this is "easy peezy", just drive hamburger in car to person's home who wishes hamburger badly. Pfffft! Kaput!"

In attempting to reason logically with this very unreasonable Finnish man, another helpful person pointed out that the cost to deliver the burger would far exceed its worth, the tip alone to the delivery person would make the situation economically infeasible for most consumers. A 99-cent hamburger with large fries (with a side of sardines in his part of the world), would be as expensive as a full course plankengruppendumpen dinner in his Finnish town.

"I do not care, I am thinking beyond doubt it can be done, you are not listening to my needs. I believe the minds are closed on this important matter. To be creative and do possible things is what is needed. I only want a hamburger to the door, direct to door. I think one day this will happen in my town, smart person, maybe myself, will start this business, it is necessary. I so much want a hamburger very bad and will never drive or go through coldness and snow or get out of my warm pyjamas just to get one. This can be done."

Forum members realizing it was hopeless had no choice but to sign off, wishing Sven all the best. However, their opinion of Finns which had previously been pretty darn good, dropped somewhat and left them with a bad taste in their mouth.

They hoped that not all Finns behave like little spoiled booger babies who cry and whine over hamburgers.

Let us remember there are many forms of human misery and suffering in the world. This has been one of them. Perhaps one day there will be technology in place to make direct hamburger to door delivery for the Finnish people possible.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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