Dennis Rader having tough time in El Dorado State Prison

Funny story written by Morgan Truce

Friday, 19 August 2005


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Dennis Rader having tough time in El Dorado State Prison
Runner-ups in the Dennis Rader "lottery"

EL DORADO, Kansas (AP) Within hours of arriving at the maximum security prison here Friday to begin serving the rest of his life in prison for 10 killings, BTK serial killer Dennis Rader has been the target of numerous assaults. During fingerprinting, one of the correctional officers mistakenly severed three of Dennis Rader's fingers "due to a machine malfunction" according to a prison official.

Rader was taken to the prison's upholstery shop where several inmates attempted to re-attach the fingers using an industrial sewing machine. "We gave that guy a few extra stitches and the job looked pretty good except that we got two of the fingers backward. It's too bad we didn't have anything to give the guy for pain… he sure was hollerin' a lot while we was learnin' that zig-zag stitch!"

Everyone at El Dorado had been watching the TV for the past few weeks and knew very well who Dennis Rader was and the types of crimes he was convicted of. Few convicts were willing to share a cell with a child killer. The general feeling was, "I'd rather stick a shiv into this guy before he gets a chance to strangle me!"

Later that afternoon, Rader was thrown into a cell with three Mexican gang bangers. A correction officer who brought meals to the cell, noticed that both of Rader's eyes were swollen shut and the seat of his pants was covered in blood. "Are you OK Mr. Rader?"

"Oh yes, everything's just fine," said Rader. "I actually enjoyed the minor discomfort down in the upholstery shop, and I must admit that I really get a kick out of the rough play here in the cell. These fellas really know how to hit hard. I'm keeping my eye out for a few plastic bags and some rope so I can get in some payback."

"Public safety is our primary mission,'' said Ray Roberts, warden of the El Dorado Correctional Facility. "We have a special duty to take care of inmates like Dennis Rader. We want to make sure that he gets thoroughly integrated into the general prison population. We held a prisoner lottery last week to see which prisoners get the first chances to shower with Rader. The winner was a 425-pound sex offender who was just released from our AIDS ward. We have also made it possible for any of the more violent offenders in Mr. Rader's cell block to have access to the supply room in our sheet metal shop."

"We do want Dennis Rader to fully enjoy his brief stay at El Dorado."


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more