Brooklyn, NY - Convicted corporate felon Dennis Kozlowski has apparently begun preparations for his inevitable stay in the New York State prison system. Enlisting advice from famed executive prison induction counselor and convicted felon, Curtis Wayne Harris, Kozlowski has started a regiment that includes outdoor weight lifting, palette conditioning, and learning to shower without fear while dozens of eager sodomites look on lustfully.
"Prison is what you make of it," Harris said to reporters. "You've got to learn to blend with the population if you're going to survive." When asked for specifics, Harris described the process: "We're getting Dennis ready for the transition through my proven method of induction," he explained. "We start with the look… Mr. Kozlowski is in the process of having full sleeve tattoos depicting the story of his life applied to his arms as well as having the phrase ‘Corporate Gangsta' inked across his back. He'll be growing a soul patch, shaving his head, working on self-defense training and developing serious upper body strength courtesy of my colleagues at the Bedford Stuyvesant YMCA."
When asked if Kozlowski was concerned for his safety, Harris described the psychological preparedness training that he has been undergoing as part of the program. "This is a total immersion situation," Harris said. "We've got ‘D' listening to ear splitting metal rap while riding the train to the Whitman/Ingersoll Housing Projects in Brooklyn every day. Once there, he walks a four hundred yard obstacle course with the objective of not getting himself killed. In the past week, he's actually made it through the course two days of five without having his ass kicked. It's very encouraging. The odds are swinging in his favor."
Although Harris' program is controversial, it's proven effective for many other high-profile white collar felons. "There's a reason why Martha Stewart came home unscathed," he told a group of journalists outside his Manhattan apartment building. "She may look like a typical pasty-faced homemaker, but lay a hand on her banana bread without asking politely and you're in for a serious whoopin'."
Harris started the executive program after being discharged from the federal prison system in 1998 where he served ten years for aggravated assault and robbery. "I saw it as a business opportunity," he said on Larry King Live this week. "These corporate guys were getting seriously messed up in there," he explained. "In the old days I used to think, ‘I can just shoot that man and take his wallet.' Through my own rehabilitation, though, I've learned that there are ways to get these rich folks money without going to jail myself. Plus, I'm saving lives in the process. It's a beautiful thing, man. I'm giving back to society now."
Koslowski is expected to be formally sentenced on August 2nd and could receive up to thirty years for his role in the Tyco fraud scandal. When asked for comment about the program, Kozlowski shoved the curious reporter and shouted, "Who are you talking to, punk?"
The reporter could not be reached for comment.