Airline Gropester Appeals to Schwarzenegger

Funny story written by wadenelson

Saturday, 6 August 2005

Sacramento-- A business executive sentenced on Thursday to seven years in prison for groping a woman seated next to him on a commercial airline flight has reportedly sent a request for pardon to California governor Ahnold Schwarzenegger.

A statement by the U.S. Air Marshall's Association said that on April 5, Deepak Jahagirdar, 55, laid a blanket over a22-year-old woman who was returning from vacation, unfastened her seat belt, unbuttoned her pants and attempted to grope her.

According to a Delta Airline spokesperson Jahagirdar had rounded first base and was headed for second when the woman woke up. A passenger in the same row said it appeared Jahagirdar had "More than just his seat back and tray table in its fully upright and locked position."

Jahagirdar's attorney, Stan Howe of Dewey Cheatam & Howe held a press conference yesterday displaying the completed 10-page clemency form and briefcase containing the $50,000 "application fee" sent to the governor's office. Said Howe, "Incarcerating a man with serial murderers, bank robbers, druglords, and crankheads all because he went bush diving? That's just wrong.

The victim, who is suing Delta airlines for $25M for "Emotional distress" and "A possible seat belt mechanical malfunction which enabled the gropester to do his dirty deed" claims she will never again be able to fly in coach. Without my safety belt fastened, well hell, I might have arrived pregnant!"

Steven Dalton, President of the "Southern California Mile High Club" said that according to the organization's guidelines, neither the victim, nor the perpetrator appeared to have met the criteria for membership. "Consensual" is a key word in our charter, said Dalton.

Arrested in mid-air by four Secret Servicement who were returning from Crawford Texas, Jahagirdar commented "I guess I REALLY picked the wrong flight this time. I was hoping, perhaps for a layover with this young woman. Doesn't look like that's going to happen."

Jahagirdar, whose command of the English language (particularly the word 'No!") seemed to be lacking, had no trouble understanding that in the penal institution he was being sent to, he would only be playing grab-ass with other men.

"I hereby appeal to Governor Schwarzenegger," said Jahagirdar, "Because if anyone understands that a little booby-squeeze or tushie-touch isn't a capitol offense, it's got to be him. After all, why should I get seven years and his term only be four?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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