Outed former GOP head: "If you can't beat 'em, join em!"

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Friday, 27 August 2010


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WASHINGTON, D.C.-Former Republican National Committee Chairman and George Bush's 2004 re-election campaign manager Ken Mehlman outed himself as a gay man Thursday, disclosing to reporters that he feels the GOP's opposition to gay rights is doomed to failure, and wishes to simply engage in homosexual activities to signify his resignation to the eventual victory of the Gay Rights movement.

"It's obvious the Republican Party's platform of stigmatizing and ostracizing homosexuality is an excise in futility," Mehlman told reporters. "The acceptance and tolerance of same-sex attraction in mainstream society seems to be an inevitable endpoint. With this in mind, I feel it's best to see what all the fuss is about, and indulge in the anal penetration fantasies that have occupied my waking thoughts for most of my adult life."

Mehlman pointed to the overturning of California's Prop 8 and widespread calls to repeal Don't Ask, Don't Tell as indicators to the country's present and future stance on homosexuality, which Mehlman believes will be "completely acceptable" within the next generation.

"Admitting that the battle is lost is the noble thing to do," the former GOP head stated. "You know why Strom Thurmond knocked up his underage black maid? Because he knew, deep down, that people of color were on their way to securing equal rights with white people. He figured 'what the hell, interracial babies will be legit in 20 years anyway'. Same deal here. Having sex, cohabitating, and raising children with people of the same sex is gonna be the law of the land before too long, so might as well get a jump on the mind-blowingly satisfying rejection of God's law right now."

At present, it is hoped that Mehlman's decision will encourage other political figures to come out of the closet, specifically Bill Maher to admit he isn't a libertarian.

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