Susan Boyle red scarf wearing fanatical loonies have today opened their new university. The Fanatics University College of Knowledge welcomed its first paying students for their first full day of study, while the university band played a rousing (but frankly off-key) rendition of 'I Dreamed A Dream'.
The university is offering a number of courses in 'SuBo Studies', including the First Fanatic's Diploma, Higher Fanatic's Diploma, and the Masters Degree in Advanced Fanaticism and Applied Bullshit. Post-graduate courses are also available, with the opportunity to research into 'Advanced SuBo fanaticism'.
Head of studies, Dr. Lou Neetoonz, said "Yes, our students will study all aspects of Susan's life during the course. Students will also be required to attend daily prayer sessions, which will count for 95% of the course. They will graduate as expert fanatics, and can wear their red scarf with pride!"
The course will include a week-long field trip to SuBo's hometown of Blackburn. "Extra course credit will be available to any student who manages to get past her security and knock on her door," said senior lecturer Dr. Fran Hattic. "Those managing to gain entry will automatically graduate."
The student's bar, 'The Susan Arms', is open for business on the campus, serving a wide variety of bottled and draught lemonade. Irn Bru is available on request, but proof-of-age must be produced, being only available to the over-90's. "We keep running out of Irn Bru," grumbled the bar owner.
The university's Tacky Gift Shop is up and running, selling a wide variety of useless over-priced crap. "Well, all students are required to wear the university red scarf, so we're selling loads of those!" grinned the store manager. "SuBo fridge magnets are doing well, and our new SuBo bottle openers are quite popular too!"
Graduates of the university will not receive a certificate. "No, they will receive a Pebbles 'button'," confirmed course tutor Dr. Invisible Woman. "Those graduating with honours will receive a special gold Pebbles 'button'. Post-graduates will receive a platinum 'button'. All graduates must attend the graduating ceremony, where they will be required to sing 'I Dreamed A Dream' and pledge their undying love to Susan! Those failing any course will be banned from wearing a red scarf until they re-take and pass their exams."
Fanatics from poor backgrounds (as if!) may apply for a Scholarship from the First Fanatic's Church of Endless Praying. "They need to convert first, of course!" laughed the church leader, while rubbing her hands.