Historians Discover That Brigham Young Was Really Black

Funny story written by Throckmorton Turdblossom

Monday, 19 July 2010

image for Historians Discover That Brigham Young Was Really Black
No wonder the Mormon Tabernacle looks like a giant watermelon!

Historians have discovered that Brigham Young, the second prophet of the LDS (Mormon) Church was actually black. Dr. Hyrum Kimball at Northern Utah State University revealed his controversial findings at a symposium of Mormon History marking the 180th anniversary of the founding of the LDS Church.

"These findings have been verified through DNA checking of samples of blood and hair that were within the Mormon archives. We also exhumed the body when the results were known to make sure that samples had not been switched or contaminated in any way. The testing was confirmed by three separate labs."

Western historians have long questioned the true words uttered when Young first brought the Mormon Pioneers into the Salt Lake Valley in Utah on July 24th, 1847. While there is a famous "This is the Place" monument, some journals record that Young actually said "Dis Be's Da Place." Confirmation of Young's race gives greater credence to the second statement.

It is unsubstantiated by any second source material that Young then asked "Where be da welfare office?"

The new findings also bring into question Young's famous remarks on his wagon train. Instead of calling out "Wagon's Ho" each morning, scholars are now wondering if he didn't yell at the "Ho Wagons."

There is now rampant speculation that Young did not only lead the Mormon Pioneers west to escape religious persecution; he may also have come to Utah to escape slavery.

Kimball also stated that "this may explain why Young felt he needed 27 wives, who he often called my bitches, to maintain the lifestyle he'd had while back east."

"One of those wives, Ida Mae Jefferson Young, also made a statement that could have been interpreted incorrectly. Since his death, Young has been referred to in Mormon history as The Lion of the Lord. Ida Mae said in one public address Lord Almighty, My Man been lyin' again."

The last living descendants of Brigham Young, Cool Doggie Style Young and Shemequa Johnson, could not be reached for comment as they were at their ACORN jobs recruiting minority voters.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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