Written by Sparky Fletcher

Thursday, 6 May 2010


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image for Soda Line Ruptures; Coca-Cola To Attempt Unprecedented Capping Fix
One hapless victim

INDIANAPOLIS, IN (Friggemall Wire Services) - Coca-Cola has announced plans to cap a ruptured line in an unprecedented attempt to stop the flow of soda that threatens a near northside restaurant.

The Chuck E. Cheese was thrown into chaos last Friday when a line supplying Diet Coke to the business's soda fountain machine ruptured without warning. Customer Wanda Everett was refilling her glass with a third refill when the accident happened.

"I was getting myself some more Diet Coke because I was parched, and it stopped coming out," Everett said. "I thought maybe it ran out, and I was just about to fill the rest of my glass with Mr. Pibb when I noticed Diet Coke pooling around my feet."

Everett screamed and ran for the exit, which caused panic among the other customers. Dale Roberts was playing Skee-Ball with his grandson when he heard the commotion.

"I turned around to see who was whooping and hollering, and I saw soda just spraying all over the wall from the back of the machine. I grabbed my tickets and ran like hell. It was only when I got to the door that I realized I'd left William [Roberts' grandson] back at the Skee-Ball machine. I went back, snatched him up, and made it out just as the spill reached the salad bar," Roberts said, eyes glistening with tears.

General Manager Rita Henderson was first to arrive at the scene of the accident. She recounts the horror that confronted her.

"Ho-lee shit," said Henderson. "The spill had already taken the salad bar and one of our ticket munchers. It was all I could do to put down a barrier in front of the Mario Kart machine before I had to book."

Officials at Coca-Cola were summoned by emergency personnel once the store was vacated. Tom Grund, Senior Vice President for Operations, said it was obvious that this was a major accident but that Coca-Cola "would do everything in its power to rectify the situation."

Grund expanded on his statement at a press conference held earlier this morning. Grund unveiled a plan that involves capping the soda gushing from the broken hose with a custom-built, four foot tall concrete "dome". The plan calls for the dome to contain the soda and funnel it to a 55-gallon drum placed atop a nearby Street Hoops game. "If all goes according to plan," Grund said, "we should have the cap in place sometime Sunday." When asked for alternatives in case the plan fails, Grund offered no comment.

The future of the Chuck E. Cheese franchise remains in doubt regardless of the capping's success. Henderson is pessimistic about the eatery's outlook.

"We're fucked," Henderson said. "We'll be mopping that shit up for weeks. Maybe months. Our only Chuck E. Cheese costume didn't make it out. It's ruined. How can kids come here and not see Chuck?"

Everett agreed. "It won't be the same," she said. "This area is going to be tainted for years." Everett said she booked a trip to the beaches of Louisiana to get away from the disaster.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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