FDA and US Agriculture Dept. Approve Cola as Pesticides

Funny story written by Felix Minderbinder

Sunday, 7 December 2008

image for FDA and US Agriculture Dept. Approve Cola as Pesticides
Kills bugs dead

WASHINGTON (FMLiveWire) - The US Food and Drug Administration and the Department of Agriculture have jointly approved the use of cola as pesticides in farming and general pest control both outdoors and indoors.

The two government organizations had just released new research on Monday which found several hazardous pesticides like indane, chlorpyrifos and heptachlorine in cola, making them potent pesticides.

"Cola kills bugs dead," said FDA head Ralph Roachman. "The crappy soft drink is the most deadly bug killers we have ever seen, so we have approved it for pest control. It will also kill weeds."

While there are global protests and demands for banning the toxic soft drink, the US government has thus found a new use for them in exterminating bugs and other higher life forms.

The comprehensive study found dangerous level of pesticides in all samples of the soft drink which were tested.

The hazardous pesticides found cause cancer, birth defects, disorders of the nervous system, low sperm count, damage to the kidney and liver and reduced immunity, FDA noted in its report WTF/OMG 007-666.

Farmers in India already use cola as a cost-effective pesticide and spray it over their cotton and chilli fields.

The farmers say that their cola sprays are invaluable because they are safe to handle, can be diluted, and are cheap and effective.

"I think cola has found its right use as a deadly pesticide," said one farmer.

China government officials also revealed that cola is widely used in that nation as spermicides for birth control.

--Copyright Felix Minderbinder Live Wire

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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