BULLETIN: This morning a MQ-1 Predator deployed from Robins Air Force Base unleashed a rubber-tipped CrotchFire Missile, taking out porn star, Juggsy Jimes, who was rapelling down from a helicopter just before Tiger Woods teed off this morning.
Attorney Gloria Allblew identified the remains of Ms. Jimes who took the CrotchFire shot right up the (you guessed it) crotch. Allblew, holding what appeared to be a frayed thong, said that her client was merely trying to get Woods to apologize before he teed off, and that the use of force of this magnitude was unjustified.
She might have a point. The Predator is 27 feet long and has a wingspan of 48 feet. It employs a digitally enhanced infrared camera that has the capability of identifying the heat signature of a vagina from 10,000 feet. Piloted from CIA Headquaters in Langley, Virgina, the flight controller requires approval to fire once he locks on to his target.
An unnamed CIA employee said that this strike had been authorized by someone from the highest echelon of command, possibly the President himself. Rumors that Barack Obama was promised a green jacket and membership in the club are now reverberating in Foggy Bottom.
More to follow.....