"I don't want to fight you," aggressive muscle-bound guy tells you

Funny story written by rvler9201

Wednesday, 7 April 2010


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A BAR SOMEWHERE - Despite dropping into a combat stance and ripping his shirt off, a hulking tough guy has informed you in no uncertain terms that engaging in one-on-one combat with you is the last thing he wants to do.

"I don't want to fight you, bro," declared the muscular fighter. "I don't want to have to do this shit. But if you wanna throw down, be my guest."

The man-whose name you cannot recall, but you do remember that he is a friend of Rachel's-has, contrary to his current claims of being a peaceful and care-free human being, spent the last two hours engaging in increasingly reckless and machismo behavior clearly designed to impress and intimidate those around him.

"I'm not that kind of guy who just starts shit anymore," claimed the muscle-bound and tattoo-laden man, despite challenging no fewer than three people to "square up" with him for trivial and likely imagined slights, as well as regaling the group with the story of "some dude" he brutally assaulted just days previous. "I used to fuck with people constantly, but that's all in the past. I'm a peaceful guy now. But if you wanna fuck with me dude, it's go-time."

The strongman, who has consumed approximately six beers in the last hour-and-a-half, has not been assuaged by calls from those around him to "take it easy" or "relax", and seems to be hell-bent on a violent confrontation

"So how you want it, dawg? You wanna step outside, or do you wanna handle this shit right now?" demanded the challenger as he gestured broadly to the entire bar. "Don't worry, man, ain't nobody gonna break it up; people take care of their business all the time here," insisted the hulking brute, despite the presence of two bouncers on either end of the establishment.

"This can't wait 'til later, homeboy. If you're fitting to go, let's get to it," concluded the hostile and drunken man, who has repeatedly insisted violence is something he is not interested in.

What exactly prompted the man to challenge you to a physical altercation is unknown at press time, though reports speculate you may have rolled your eyes at him, appeared to have taken his drink, or perhaps looked the wrong way at Rachel, who has repeatedly told the man in no uncertain terms that she is not interested in him.

Sources close to the man indicate that he will likely end up verbally assaulting either the bouncer or a police officer later on, and will presumably end up unconscious in the street or in jail, as he does most Friday nights.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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