"Touch My Stuff, I'll Kill You" Likely To Replace "Don't Ask Don't Tell"

Funny story written by Ken Markdale

Tuesday, 2 February 2010

image for "Touch My Stuff, I'll Kill You" Likely To Replace "Don't Ask Don't Tell"
Lance Cpl. Lance Dickman does PT

Defense Secretary Robert Gates testified before the Senate Armed Services Committee on Tuesday that it is time to end the sixteen-year-old "don't ask don't tell" policy (DADT) restricting the right of gays and lesbians to serve openly in the armed forces and replace it with a workable solution. A DADT Review Panel appointed by Secretary Gates to study the alternatives is likely to suggest a new policy of, "Touch my stuff, I'll kill you."

This could not be confirmed by the new civilian member of the Review Panel, Conrad Dunn. He is best known as the actor that played Francis Soyer, aka Psycho, in the 1981 movie, Stripes. Asked if he would favor such a new policy, Mr. Dunn would only comment that his former character, Psycho, was a pretty well-adjusted Army private.

Psycho was best known for a scene in Stripes during basic training where he explained to fellow recruits, "If I catch any of you guys in my stuff, I'll kill you. Also, I don't like nobody touching me. Now, any of you homos touch me, and I'll kill you."

The other members of the DADT Review Panel include the highest ranking female general officer in the Army, Maj. General Kendall Vicius, and an extremely buff and happy Lance Cpl. Lance Dickman.

Asked if she'd seen the movie "Stripes", Maj. General Vicius said, "No, in 1981 I was teaching P.E. in Boise and looking for a new career. But I like movies. My favorite movie is 2007's Itty Bitty Titty Committee". She added thoughtfully, however, "I'd probably kill anyone that touched my stuff."

Lance Cpl. Lance Dickman had no idea why he was selected for the DADT Review Panel except for his oft-stated idea that, "maybe we can finally change these yucky uniforms. I mean, kakhi? It's like a bi-sexual color--it goes with everything!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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