The U.S. Supreme Court has just ruled, in the Citizens United case, that Wall Street firms such as Goldman Sachs have the right to contribute as many billions of dollars as they wish to determine the outcome of Congressional and Presidential campaigns.
"Previously, citizens were put to the inconvenience of making personal campaign donations and volunteering to wave signs on streetcorners," wrote Justice John Roberts, writing for the majority of corporate lawyers on the Court. "But now, with a stroke of my pen, I permit transnational corporations to invest as much money as they want to helping their favored candidate win. While they cannot just hand cash to a politician, they may run 24/7 ads extolling the virtues of their preferred candidate, attack the opposing candidate, and basically purchase Congress and the White House with the tens of billions of dollars they make in profits."
Pundits applauded this radical innovation. "Previously, corporations had to beg politicians to give them contracts for hundreds of millions or even billions of dollars. Voters would sometimes inconveniently get in the way of the process, rejecting a politician who had used his office to give huge contracts for worthless equipment. As a result, corporations were put to the inconvenience of having to promise to create jobs in the politician's community, or in other ways benefit the taxpayer."
"All this has been swept away by the Court's action," said Roberts, who had been a corporate attorney before being named to the High Court. "Now corporations can buy Congressmen and Presidents directly, by spending a fraction of their profits on advertising their candidates the same way they advertise soft drinks or cars."
"For only a few billion dollars, they can reap hundreds of billions of dollars in profit. The Free Market works!"
This decision was greeted with relief around the world. "In the past, we would have to offer contracts to presidents after they retired," said the Saudi Oil Minister. "Now we can actually help them get into office, using a shell corporation in the United States to send direct mail pieces or to hire unemployed Americans to work for their campaigns."
The Chinese Military agreed with this assessment, but expressed caution. "While we cannot yet contribute directly to a candidate's campaign," said one general, on condition of anonymity, "Our shell companies may buy several billion dollars of advertising, completely uncoordinated with the official campaign. You understand? There is no connection between our multi-billion-dollar campaign and whatever pathetic excuse for an official campaign some native-born American can mount. Our inevitable goal for the Motherland is to eliminate the chance of an American president who will resist our steady expansion, thereby increasing peace in the world, by increasing our piece of the world."
The American People were unavailable for comment. After all, they don't own any news outlets.
