US President Barack Obama has dispatched the team seeking Osama bin Laden to search for Tiger Woods.
'Osama's been gone so long that we're out of clues, and the team has just been sitting around watching cable television for the last 18 months', Obama said.
'The team is getting flabby, eating chips and pizza and texting their girlfriends for weeks on end. It's time the US of A turned its forces loose on another missing person: Tiger Woods.'
Asked if he thought Tiger was a public threat, Obama said, 'No.'
'Tiger is not a public threat, unless you're worried about your virgin daughters. The important thing is that the Osama team gets at least a bit of practice at finding people.'
Tiger's press secretary expressed concern over the President's plan.
'If they put Tiger in Gitmo', he said, 'Tiger will suffer a terminal case of blue balls. The United States does not want to have Tiger's balls on its hands.'