Officials huddled behind closed doors over the weekend to discuss the economic impact of the latest Tiger Woods decision to 'pull out' and 'lay up' in order to let the furor of his sexual romps cool down.
The first casualty appears to be the highly glamorous and formerly in demand call for VIP escorts assigned to the ranks of all golfers at tournaments played 'around the world.'
The group of stunning, mostly 20 somethings, had a lot in common; most were blond, good looking, loved to party, and were up for 'just about anything' according to former A-List 'facilitator' Cherry ' Kitty' Licklighter, a former Iowa Cheerleader.
Kitty said she stumbled onto the 'swinging' scene after she was discovered at a local driving range where she drove a caged jeep gathering up 'all the little balls' after a night of frenzied amateur flailing.
Kitty said her mentor, a former swinger on the Senior Circuit, said she could make a good living on the Pro Tour, and make better use of her 'liberal arts' education catering to the varied interests and needs of the millionaire
'swingers' on the tour.
"He led me into an exciting world of international travel, sexual pleasure, and I enjoyed 'rubbing up' against the rich and famous' said the wonderfully tan and fit former escort. "Before my awakening, I thought 'tee time' referred to an afternoon break with milk and cookies .....little did I know!' she said with a wistful smile.
According to Kitty, that live style is 'all over, now,' as Tiger's hiatus to recover his image, has cast a pall over the lucrative avocation.
"I'm relegated to try and hook up with the PBA (Professional Bowling League), said Kitty. " I had to travel to Peoria by Trailways bus just last week to interview for a position for the Greater Peoria Open. It was humiliating!"
Kitty related that the prize for the tournament was a whopping $7500, that if selected her job was to deliver pitchers of foaming beer, not champagne, to the gaggle of bowlers, and instead of caviar, she would be dishing out ritz crackers, cheezwhiz and pretzels.
"Most of the pro's weren't ripped like Tiger," she said, ' they wore the same bowling shirt over and over again, even in bed, and as far as their sexual preferences, they continually wanted to use me to perfect their 3 finger bowling grip....I mean, with a normal, sexy rich guy, that would be kind of fun and kinky....but geez, these guys thought a sex toy was a polish sausage!
I don't even want to discuss the prematch 'tail gating' party!"
According to a desperate spokesman for the golf tour, it may be looking to the government for an immediate financial bailout. "We're in bad shape! Projected revenue for the next 10 tournaments is off 57% without Tiger and his sponsors, and as of now 22% of the participants have withdrawn afraid they will be outed by The Spoof, the cutting edge medial outlet that broke the Tiger Scandal!"
"As for 'the girls'," the spokesman said, the 'lay off' will do some of them good....we do have a small contingency fund set aside for their continuing education and retraining thanks to the 'Tiger Woods Vocational Training Trust Fund," but when that runs out, they may find themselves flat on their back financially!"
All may not be bleak however, a spokesman for the secretary of Health, Education and Welfare said there was a growing list of sponsors to provide 'foster homes' for the girls and the government would provide up to $3500 a month for their 'care', with a limit of no more than 10 girls to a household.
John Edward's said he was an enthusiastic sponsor of the bill, and said he had 'plenty of room' in his North Carolina mansion to continue the girls 'educational learning experiences' outside of media scrutiny!