Chandler, Arizona - In a lightening raid, and aided by local law enforcement, a seven member team from the Israeli army captured the last Midianite-American. It is believed that he is in actuality, the last Midianite, period.
Andy Frank, who had lived here quietly for years as a hewer of wood and drawer of water, is now at an undisclosed detention facility, awaiting extradition to Tel Aviv. There he'll receive a fair trial and be hung by the neck until dead.
Thus concludes a several thousand year conflict, and the mission that the Israelites started so long ago. To kill all the Midianites with the exception of the virginal girls. It was one of the first genocides in recorded history.
The Israelites were generally successful, and it was not until the early 20th century that they discovered that one male had survived, pretending to be a virgin girl, and had later escaped to breed more Midianites to worship false gods again.
While once numbering in the tens of thousands, only 74 descendants of the lone escapee still survived, hiding in America and pretending to be Unitarians. This did not fool the Israelis. They were able to dispatch many of them in the teens and twenties, however they had to put their project on hold in the thirties and forties, being otherwise engaged.
After WWII, it was a while before they could turn their attention back to the Midianite problem, but by then there were only 11 left. By 1988, all but one of them had been captured, tried and executed. Only Andy remained. It is believed that he managed to avoid detection in the eighties due to hiding out in the attic of a Baptist.
Thus concludes the final solution to the Midianite problem, and the fulfillment of Numbers 31:17-18. In related news, Tel Aviv geneticists have discovered that "Palestinian" may actually just be an Arabic word meaning "Moabite".
