The Grilling, Sauteing, and Deep Frying of Sonia Sotomayor

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 17 July 2009

image for The Grilling, Sauteing, and Deep Frying of Sonia Sotomayor
Sonia Sotomayor shown at her high school prom (Sonia does not remember why she was wearing a trash can on her head).

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Supreme Court Justice nominee Sonia Sotomayor has now been grilled, sauteed, and deep fried by the Senate Confirmation Committee for a total of 8,297 hours, which is enough time for OctuMom to have gotten pregnant twice.

The average age of the senators on the 'Questioning Committee' is 92 going on 12. These old geezers and geezerettes obviously have tons of free time on their hands (and mouths).

It really and truly appears that the senators should be concerning themselves with much more pressing and important matters like maybe GETTING THE NATION BACK OUT OF THE FINANCIAL GUTTER THAT WE ARE STILL TRYING TO GET OUT OF!

And while the ancient gray-haired, white-haired, and no-haired leaders of America bicker back and forth about insignificant things such as Sotomayor's choice of imported beer, Dos Equis, Corona, or Heiniken the country continues moving ever so rapidly down a path of dark, jobless, despair and even darker financial gloom.

Ponchatoula, Louisiana comedian Zydeco Dupree, who is currently performing nightly at The Doc Holiday Inn's Dolly Parton Boom-Boom Room in downtown Lake Charles, said the other night that Senator Arlen (Specter) needs to shut up and let the little Latina lady finish at least one or two sentences.

Dupree continued, saying to the elderly dude with the disappearing hair, that the majority of Americans don't give a rattlesnake's assaroonie about the debate over Ginger vs. Mary Ann, or paper vs. plastic, or about the rehashing of Rowe vs. Wade.

Zydeco took a sip of his Bud Light and added that if Debbie really and truly wants the kids then let her just go up to Joe Jackson's house and take the three little darlings.

Dupree then turned his attention to John Cornyn, John, John, John. Hey vato (guy) enough already with your 'Wise Latina' routine. It was funny the first 14 times, but now you are beginning to sound like Dickie Cheney and Donnie Rumsfeld (old, predictable, and old, did I mention old?).

And Lindsey Graham. Ah Lindsey, he with the girl's name. Mr. Dixie Dude, let me say this. I've lived in Louisiana all my life and I ain't never known of a southern guy named Lindsey...Betty, Shirley, and Toby, yeah, but not Lindsey.

But my Gomer Pyle-looking man, I really do have to hand it to ya 'cause you could not have picked a better title for your autobiography, I Am The One and Only Original Lindsey Graham Cracker.

Now turning to Jeff Sessions. The man who prefaces every sentence with, "Have you heard any juicy gossip about Hillary?" Jeffy, while you are salivating up a storm in your biased questioning of Senora Sotomayor please remember to take a breath at least every two or three minutes...that way you don't sound like you just went one-on-one for twenty minutes with my man Kobe Bryant.

And to Utah's Orrin Hatch (and first off, fella is that really your first name or did perhaps your mama simply misspell Nirro?). Well to quote Paris Hilton 'Whatever.'

In the interest of not laughing at a first name, let me call you by your last name...Hatch. Ha-ha. No that's not gonna work either. Hell, let me just call you Nancy (as in Nancy Pelosi).

So Pelosi, I know that for the past 20 years that you have looked upon yourself as the smartest, brightest, most intelligent individual to ever reside in the beautiful, fabulous, great, and somewhat unpopulated as-the-dickens state of Utah.

Well, I am here to bust your Lawrence Welk champagne bubble. Because you sir, the man with the odd first name and the even odder last name, are actually ranked at number four.

Yes, Nancy, truth be told, you come in at numero cuatro (and that's number four for our non-Spanish speaking viewers, listeners, and voters).

So OH-Man Exactly who (or is it whom, lets see that's i before e except after c) is in line ahead of you?

Well guy, in first place is Brigham Young the founder and first CEO of Utah. And the reason old Brig is number one is because of the fact that THE SUMBITCH HAD 717 WIVES FOR GOODNESS SAKES!

So hell, it is really a no-brainer. I mean if President Obama, or Wolf Blitzer, or even Sir (?) Elton John had 717 wives, I guaran f 'in tee ya that they would be the most popular fellas in their respective state as well.

In second place is cute little 70's singing sensation Donny Osmond, who by the way is 51 going on 7. And little Donny's little sister, little Marie, who has the world's largest doll collection, which at last count numbered just a little over 8.4 million (and by the way not one single doll of color), came in at number three.

So senators. dudes, fellas, vatos, guys, and genderless folk, lets see if we can't get this baby back on track and headed to the 'Happy Times' depot.

I just heard this morning that because of the tremendous percentage of unemployed people in Michigan, the state is changing the official state food from the pastrami and cheese sandwich to an air sandwich, which is two slices of white bread held together with a toothpick.

So in closing, let me just say that I am here every weekend, there is a two-drink minimum, and please remember to tip your waitress, especially that cute little Cajun-Creole gal, Paprika "Sweater Bullets" Lafayette, who you unattached fellas, and maybe even some of you attached fellas will be interested to know has just had her divorce finalized (wink-wink, tsk-tsk, and hubba-hubba-hubba!).

SIDENOTE: Paprika has just informed me that as of now she has an opening on Saturday, August 15.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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