Sotomayor Quotes Ozzy Osbourne at Confirmation Hearing

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

image for Sotomayor Quotes Ozzy Osbourne at Confirmation Hearing
"Please do not give me any bear hugs because they f*cking hurt. Listen to me, I'm dead serious." O. Osbourne

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The pungent aroma of Sotomayor asada filled the air Wednesday at the Capitol Building as prominent Republicans turned up the heat on Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor, who was sweating profusely by midday under their incessant grilling, said sources.

"Let's say you were a rich white man," posited Republican Senator John Cornyn of Texas, recalling a case in his state several years back, "and some filthy Mexican was trying to take all the copper wire out of the refrigerator you left out by the curb. Do you feel it would be acceptable to pick him off, gunning him down from a sniper's position in the second floor window of your home?"

"A rich Italian man," Justice Samual Alito added, whispering in Cornyn's ear as Cornyn shushed him, waving off the freshman justice. "Ask her what she'd do if she was a rich Italian man."

"And with one pull of the trigger, he would vanish - overnight?" responded Sotomayor, quoting Ozzy Osbourne. "Who can we get on the case? We need Perry Mason."

A light murmer of approval began to rise in the Senate Chamber.

"Hmm... Very interesting," observed Republican Senator Tom Coburn of Oklahoma, approaching Sotomayor, watching her carefully as she dabbed at the growing beads of perspiration on her face with a dampening handkerchief. "Now, Miss Sotomayor, some people say an individual's life, and therefore his or her rights, only begin when the doctor cuts the umbilical cord and the baby is no longer essentially a growth inside the mother. Many of these same people believe it's okay under certain circumstances to allow the mother the right to, shall we say, choose to remove this growth prematurely. What do you have to say about that?"

"Minding my own business," replied Sotomayor, still referencing the Prince of Darkness, "like my mama always said, but if I don't try to help him, he could wind up on the front page. Who can we get on the case? We need Perry Mason!"

"Oooh's" and "Aaah's" then began to fill the Senate Chamber as Republicans found themselves highly pleased with this answer; someone was even heard to utter, "Truly, this Latina is wise."

"Wait, wait!! Not so fast!" piped up a voice from the back, silencing the swell of approval. "Don't be fooled! Remember the Alamo, remember the Alamo! Can't you see? She's muddling and confusing the issue! Ozzy Osbourne pissed on the Alamo - wearing a dress, I might add - and now she's going to piss on the Constitution!"

"No," said Sotomayor, "my job is to do justice, and justice is served when a guilty man is convicted and an innocent man is not. Look at the facts in this case. Mr. Osbourne served his time, and he paid his fines. Justice was served."

She added that Osbourne even returned to the Alamo several months later, rockin' out, but this time not with his cock out, treating visitors to a totally bitchin' concert and donating $10,000 of the proceeds to clean up urine and bat blood at the site, which everyone could agree was a pretty good ending to that, so okay, then. There you go.

Sotomayor is expected to be confirmed as the Court's 111th justice, its third female justice, and its first Latina.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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