WASHINGTON, D.C. - "Take that, motherf*cker!!" former Vice President Dick Cheney is reported to have shouted as he peppered CIA Director Leon Panetta with bird shot earlier this afternoon, according to a report filed by Pentagon officials.
Witnesses say Cheney grinned, continuing to curse Panetta for making him a scapegoat as he watched secret service agents rush to the victim's aid; then, he fell to his knees, panting and sweating profusely before being taken into custody.
Panetta was rushed to the Washington Memorial Hospital with several dozen pellets of metal lodged in his face and chest, one of them dangerously near his bleeding heart.
Witnesses said Panetta was about three yards away from Cheney when the former Vice President emptied his 28-gauge shotgun, a small-bore weapon he commonly uses for hunting quail, annoying campaign contributors, and the occasional CIA director who lacks respect for his absolute power.
Cheney insisted the incident was not "an incident," but "an accident," while prominent Republicans were quick to point out that, not only was Panetta not wearing a blaze-orange safety vest, he also failed to announce himself when Cheney entered the room, and may have had "a couple of drinks" at lunch; nevertheless, the wailing waylayer was promptly arrested.
In custody, Cheney was "very displeased to hear Panetta is doing well and in high spirits," reportedly pulling out several handfuls of his own hair and suffering a moderate atrial fibrillation at the news.