CIA Panetta Reveals "Everything"

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Thursday, 9 July 2009

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CIA Director Leon Panetta elaborated on remarks that Cheney "wanted terrorists to attack the United States" and "the CIA lied to Congress."

Begin Partial Transcript:

Cheney frequently traveled to Iran, Yemen, Afghanistan, and northwest Pakistan. He would arrive at al-Qaida training camps after Mullahs called for martyrs in jihad, and if crowds would seem listless and bored, he would become very angry and start yelling "why are you not killing Americans?!" (in Arabic).

Cheney's anti-American rage, mastery of Arabic, and fierce, unrelenting intimidation allowed him to easily infiltrate al-Qaida strongholds. Many extremist clerics recalled memories of him with teary fondness, "a true fire-brand" they would say. However, the VP's harshness may have caused unintended consequences. Would-be suicide bombers who lacked "motivation" faced hours of unimaginable horror, suffering, and humiliation. When Cheney was finished with them, he strapped explosives to them and pushed them into the streets.

But Cheney pushed too hard. Jihadists now admit it was a mistake to allow Cheney among them. Almost every day, a suicide bomber would be found curled in the fetal position, sobbing uncontrollably. Eventually, children would take the would-be-martyr's explosives to nearby lakes or streams to blow up fish for sale in the markets.

By supporting terrorism, Cheney stopped terrorism, but what he did was still wrong. We should have told Congress. We should have killed the Cheney-Robot-Clone project. We should have been … honest.

End Transcript.

Currently the White House is maintaining the policy of "state secrets" and withholding documentation. Anonymous sources say that after meeting with Intelligence Committee members, Panetta was told to "find the clones at any cost."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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