Ozzy Osbourne Buys OctuMom's Neverland's Petting Zoo

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Sunday, 12 July 2009

image for Ozzy Osbourne Buys OctuMom's Neverland's Petting Zoo
A recent photo of one of the Neverland Petting Zoo's star attractions Pickpocket the Kangaroo.

SANTA BARBARA COUNTY, California - The Associated Press is reporting that the former lead singer of the British band Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne has just purchased Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch's petting zoo.

Neverland Ranch, a sprawling paradise which sits on 2,800 acres was bought in early July by The OctuMoney Financial Company for $36.6 million. OctuMoney is owned entirely by Nadya Suleman, aka OctuMom.

The petting zoo was sold to Mr. Osbourne for $3.9 million. OctuMom said that she purchased the Neverland Ranch because it had an extensive amusement park complete with a two acre petting zoo which she felt would be a perfect 'toy' for her 14 kids.

But OctuMom said that last week, when her six-year-old daughter Amerah Yasmeen was licked on the face by the petting zoo's 16 foot Amazon River Anaconda Snake she decided that she had to sell the petting zoo.

She said that she had overlooked one of the kangaroos putting one of her octuplets in its pocket and she really was not to concerned when one of the monkeys smeared a banana in one of the other octuplets belly button, but she said that the anaconda face-licking incident was really something that she definitely had to address.

OctuMom said that when Ozzy Osbourne, who is known as 'The Godfather of Heavy Metal' heard that she was thinking about selling the petting zoo he immediately called her up and made her an offer.

At first OctuMom was somewhat leery of selling Osbourne the petting zoo because of his past history of substance abuse, alcohol abuse, TV remote control abuse, and animal abuse.

OctuMom's attorney Twisto Noseworthy informed OctuMom that Mr. Osbourne did have an extensive history of bird abuse. He told her that some years back Mr. Osbourne had bit the head off of a bat during a concert in Iowa.

He had also over the years bitten off the heads of an eagle in Philadelphia, a blue jay in Toronto, a cardinal in Phoenix, and a raven in Baltimore.

OctuMom told her attorney that Ozzy had shown her documented proof that he had entered into an aviary rehab at The Fawntisha Flacktree Fowl and Varmint Rehabilitation Sanctuary in Turkey Scratch, Arkansas and that he had been cured of biting off the heads of fowl in September of 1996.

Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy's wife said that now that her husband is the sole owner of Michael's Jackson's original petting zoo her husband is as excited as a little kid on Christmas Day.

Sharon added that Ozzy has already decided that the petting zoo's theme song will be his appropriately titled song "Party With The Animals."

Along with the petting zoo deal, Osbourne will also be getting ownership in the Michael Jackson Neverland's Billy Jean's Collared Greens Restaurant, which was originally named the Moonwalkin' Chitlin's Restaurant but which had to be changed because of a judge's legal mandate regarding the Moonwalkin' Chitlin's Restaurant in Letterkenny, Ireland.

SIDENOTE: Ozzy Osbourne has told OctuMom that her 14 children can still visit the petting zoo anytime they want as long as they wear clothes that are animal retardant.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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