God Allows Officer Who Tazed Preacher, Pepper-Sprayed Congregation to Slide

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Friday, 3 July 2009

image for God Allows Officer Who Tazed Preacher, Pepper-Sprayed Congregation to Slide
Officer claims little old ladies kept inching closer, nearly prompting him to call for heavy reinforcements.

WEBSTER, TX - The Alpha and Omega was noticeably absent today when a Webster, Texas officer kicked in a pastor's door, tazing him and pepper spraying members of the church before arresting the man of the cloth.

The arresting officer claims the pastor "interfered" with a routine traffic stop that occurred in front of the church, and that members of the pastor's flock menacingly "surrounded" the officer.

According to his son Omar, Jose Moran, 42, has a heart problem, and could have been killed in the arrest, but police argued the actions taken against Moran and his congregation were justified.

"Pastor, shmastor. Police officers don't get into this line of work to get pushed around by preachers and little old ladies," said Webster Police Chief Ray Smiley, unaware his parents long ago saved me the trouble of finding a suitably ironic moniker for him before writing this spoof.

"We wouldn't issue officers guns and tazers if we didn't want 'em put to good use," he continued. "I don't care if he's the pope. We're an equal opportunity police department: Black, white, gay, straight, religious, heathen - everybody gets tazed! And if the guy [Moran] has a heart problem? Pssh!! Then, I guess he pro'bly shoulda sat this one out, don't y'all reckon?"

Members of the congregation, rubbing their red, watery eyes incessantly even as they lifted them upward, declared themselves to have been "forsaken," their prayers for a lightning bolt to strike down the arresting officer ignored, the fiery sting of the pepper spray unyielding.

Sources close to the Almighty indicated His positions can be "considerably less compassionate than those of His Son," noting His flooding of the entire planet's surface in a "fit of righteous anger" several thousand years ago, and His ruthless doctrine often referred to as "an eye for an eye."

"My Son is a mamby-pamby," Our Father said scornfully after the incident. "All forgiveness and love, but never, ever a vulgar display of raw power. He's soft. It's the human in Him. Yes, I know He died on the cross - that's always the first thing everybody says. But consider this: Just how afraid of confrontation does someone have to be before He'd rather die than stand up for Himself?" He asked, tapping at his temple with the tip of His index finger, nodding His head knowingly. "Think about it.

"This officer did what he had to do," God continued. "And that pepper spray thing? Awesome! Man, I wish I'd had some of that for Sodom and Gomorrah!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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