FBI uncovers Birmingham Police Dept. 'Virtual Brutality Chamber'

Friday, 29 May 2009

image for FBI uncovers Birmingham Police Dept. 'Virtual Brutality Chamber'
"It's like these guys are just LOOKING for an excuse to kick the living sh*t out of somebody!"

BIRMINGHAM, AL - Just over a week ago, the Birmingham Police Department fired five officers for behavior they called "shameful." Video footage captured by an onboard patrol car camera on Jan. 23, 2008, showed the officers rushing suspect Anthony Warren.

Only moments earlier, Warren had flopped out of his crashing vehicle, apparently either unconscious or dead. Nevertheless, upon reaching his incapacitated body, the five officers proceeded to savagely beat Warren, who suffered numerous injuries, including a skull fracture.

"We've terminated over 50 years of combined service due to 10 seconds of injustice," said Birmingham Police Chief Roper after the incident, vowing to investigate the department's "actions, reporting mechanisms and policies."

Acting on a hunch many say finds its roots in the reason for Dr. King's famous letter from a Birmingham jail, the FBI also determined a thorough investigation of the department was in order. What they have subsequently uncovered is shocking.

Tucked secretly away in a large storage closet, department officers have carefully concealed what FBI agent D. Tect described as "some sort of bizarre virtual brutality chamber." Soundproofed and disguised behind a false wall, he says, the room is also virtually undetectable.

"Basically, this system allows you to participate in an actual beating issued by the Birmingham Police Department," says Tect. "It's ingenious, really. Oh, but very sick, too! Yeah, it just sickens me, of course.

"See, here?" he asked, pointing. "First they restrict the victim's movement with this duct tape. Then, they place these sensory electrodes on his body and on their nightsticks, and proceed to beat the living hell out of him. Once he's unconscious, you can take the restraints off and really let him have it! The computer over there records the action so you can relive it later through the miracle of virtual reality technology. It's almost like you were there!"

Tect says the FBI also discovered a locked cabinet in the room containing syringes of pure adrenaline and testosterone, as well as a treasure trove of lubricants, pornographic material and junk food.

Mayor Larry Langford said implications of the "virtual brutality chamber" discovered by the FBI eclipse "police department injustices that occurred in Birmingham during the Civil Rights Movement." Nevertheless, some have pointed out that Langford, having previously been indicted on corruption charges and jailed, might be as much a part of the problem as part of the solution.

In light of this damning new evidence, it is now unlikely the five officers will be able to appeal their terminations.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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