Arlen Specter Party Switch Serves as Wake-up Call to GOP; Republicans Hit "Snooze"

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Monday, 4 May 2009

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WASHINGTON, D.C. - Veteran Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter recently shed himself of the GOP, joining ranks with the Democratic party. He says the switch serves as "a wake-up call" to Republicans, who collectively rolled over, hit the snooze button, and promptly went back to sleep.

Specter says he blames the decline of the Republican party on it's unwillingness to compromise to achieve goals, with tendencies toward an "all or nothing, my way or the highway" approach to politics. He also places part of the blame on the so-called Club for Growth, who target incumbent non-proponents of supply-side economics.

One of the greatest shams ever perpetrated upon the American people, supply-side economics, a.k.a. "trickle down" economics, is a fairly straightforward theory. Basically, if rich people could only have more money, they would spend it and start businesses, and it would trickle down to everybody else. Unfortunately, according to Specter, this theory ignores several facts.

"Rich people are usually rich because they've managed to position themselves in such a way as to receive a relatively small amount of money from a tremendously huge number of people," explains Specter, "also known as the masses. So, the masses are the ones who actually create jobs for the rich when they make purchases, and all their money trickles up the corporate hierarchies into gigantic pools of money executives and CEO's swim in. Any time they create jobs, it's only because they know that's going to send more money trickling up into that pool. Otherwise, they start cutting jobs, not creating them. Then, to top it off, they complain when the government tries to create jobs by spending the money they won't.

"Furthermore," he added, "the only thing that trickles down is the lack of money. For example, when the World Trade Center was toppled, the wealthy got skittish about the money they were using to make more money, so they all started grabbing for it, and the stock market plummeted. They did the same thing more recently when the housing market started to go sour, and both times, the masses have had to deal with the ensuing recession."

Many conservative Americans disagree. "We don't need Specter's kind," said Charles Skinflint III as he and his family checked out of a $200 a night hotel room on a rainy morning. "Good riddance to bad rubbish, if you ask me. Reagan proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that supply-side economics works, so I really don't see what all the fuss is about."

The Skinflints then got into their $300 a day rented Hummer and drove away without tipping the valet even a dollar. "The rain is the only thing trickling down," observed the valet, who currently holds down three jobs just to make ends meet.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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