Written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 25 April 2009

image for Simon Cowell Secretly Dating Susan Boyle
A photo of Susan Boyle's front door (photo courtesy of Condoleezza Rice)

LONDON - Simon Cowell, the 49-year-old British television producer, music executive, and all-around talent show judge has denied rumors that he is secretly dating "Britain's Got Talent" singer Susan Boyle.

Cowell who recently broke up with his long-time girlfriend Terri Seymour has recently been linked with the likes of Keira Knightley, Britney Spears, Shania Twain, and of course his fellow American Idol co-judge Paula "Touchdown" Abdul.

When a reporter asked Miss Boyle if she was dating Simon she got all embarrassed and responded by saying that although Mr. Cowell has in fact asked her out she has rejected his offer because of his reputation of being a dazzling charmer.

Miss Boyle said that she's afraid that if she were to go out with Simon that he'd probably get to third base before they'd even gotten out of her driveway.

So even though Miss Boyle does deny the rumor, her next door neighbor Mavis Amanda Oysternutt, 62, paints an entirely different picture altogether.

Miss Oysternutt, a retired fish and chips factory worker, says that on three seperate occasions in just the past week alone, she has seen Simon Cowell's $1 million Bugatti Veyron parked in front of Boyle's house overnight.

She even noted that just two days ago she looked through a knot hole in the wooden fence that divides her backyard from Boyle's backyard and she saw Cowell and Boyle sunbathing in the middle of her backyard.

Oysternutt said that Cowell was wearing black swim trunks and his obligatory black T-Shirt and Boyle was wearing a shocking pink two piece bikini swimsuit.

She stated that Susan appeared to be feeding Cowell what appeared to be either grapes, olives, or Hostess Twinkies.

Miss Oysternutt said that she even heard Cowell say to Boyle that he didn't mean to be rude but that he would like for her to bring him another glass of Chivas Regal.

She said that Boyle got up and was back with his drink in no time at all. She handed it to Cowell and he grabbed her and sat her down on his lap.

And then Oysternutt said that something unbelievably amazing happened. She said that all of a sudden, as if magic, Susan started to levitate right before her very eyes.

Oysternutt said that she had never seen anything quite like that before and she noted that it seemed like the higher Susan rose, the bigger the smile on her face became.

She said that just then her doorbell rang and she went inside her house.

In other news. Two of England's most popular 60s duets are reuniting for a United Kingdom Tour. The duets are Peter & Gordon, and Chad & Jeremy. The four lads will tour as a quartet under the name, We're Not The Beatles, But We're Damn Bloody Close.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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