ALHAMBRA, California - Plans have been finalized by ESPN to telecast the first political women's wrestling match in history.
Talk show host Ellen DeGeneres, will join ex-talk show host Rosie O'Donnell, and rock and roller Melissa Etheridge on the Democratic team and they will wrestle against the GOP team consisting of political pundits Ann Coulter, Meghan McCain, and Laura Ingraham.
The match will take place in Alhambra's beautiful, state-of-the-art 95,271 seat "The World Famous Pastrami Palace."
The arena which was just opened in 2008, is very unique in that it was built entirely from funds that were collected through the sale of "Sons & Daughters of Alhambra" bobble head dolls.
The dolls were exact replicas of famous natives and residents of Alhambra including Cheryl Tiegs, Kenny Loggins, Mitch Vogel, and Vladimir Putin.
The Arena Erecting Committee director Castanet Pepperbox said that the four times divorced Cheryl Tiegs bobble head doll out sold all of the others by a 10 to 1 margin.
Ms. Pepperbox disclosed that the doll was dressed in a pink bikini taken directly from her famous 1978 poster.
Cheryl graduated from Alhambra High School in 1965, and upon graduation won many local beauty contests including, Miss Chinese Fire Drill, Miss Sequoia Park of 1966, Miss Avocado (1967), Miss Mango (1968), Miss Chinese Checkers (1968) and Miss Papaya Juice (1969).
Ms. Tiegs was also voted to be The Queen of The Annual San Gabriel Valley Lunar, Solar, & Wind-Powered New Year Parade and Festival.
ESPN producer Renzo Tashisuzu reportedly told Alhambra Mayor Barbara Messina (no relation to Jim Messina or Jo Dee Messina) that all 95,271 tickets were sold out within the first three hours.
Ellen DeGeneres said that her team has been recieving some fantastic wrestling tips from ex-professionl Alhambra wrestler Macaroni "Captain Cheese" Pontoon.
Pontoon is noted for his infamous 1999 steel cage match in Alanta, in which he single-handedly took on the wrestling trio of Nick "The Rhino Face" Gardenwall, Harry "The Hippo Mouth " Saxon, and Dante "Doodle Bug Butt" Kawaguchi.
They battled it out for 52 minutes and 17 seconds. And when the smoke had cleared (a 12-year-old punk had fired off 21 bottle rockets) Pontoon was the only one left standing.
Gardenwall never wrestled again due to a tongue injury which he received from eating a pastrami and candy apple sandwich after the match.
Saxon was so embarrassed he quit wrestling and moved up to Unalaska, Alaska where he went into the igloo repair business.
And Kawaguchi returned to his native Osaka, Japan where he opened up a chain of fortune cookie outlets.
The GOP female team is being coached by "The Abominable Kalahari Desert Sandman." Reports from their camp are that the first day, during a wrestling hold demonstration, he took Ann Coulter's ridiculously long legs and tied them into six knots.
He had to quickly untie the half dozen knots when Laura hollered out to him that Ann's lips and under-endowed cleavage were turning dark lavender.
The GOP Women's Wrestling team will wear red bikini swimsuit-like wrestling outfits donated by Sean Hannity.
And the Democratic Women's Wrestling Team will be wearing blue bikini swimsuit-like wrestling outfits donated by First Mama, Michelle Obama.
The referee for the match will be ABC's Katie Couric. Queen Latifah is coaching the Ellen-Rosie-Melissa team and Sarah Palin is coaching the Ann-Meghan-Laura team.
The event being billed as "ESPN's First Ever Political Women's Wrestling Match," will be sponsored by Woodpecker Cider, Kibbles 'n Bits, Log Cabin Syrup, Paris Hilton's new MGM movie, I'm Hot, SpaghettiO's, and FDS.
In a related story. Up until two years ago, Meghan McCain was driving one of her mother's Budweiser beer trucks. And now she's getting ready to enter the ring and participate in a first ever of its kind wrestling match.
As Don "Wonder Hair" King used to say...only in America!