Rush Limbaugh Nearly Asphyxiates Self In Bathroom Stall

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Friday, 20 March 2009

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"I just replaced that roll of toilet paper this morning," Coulter kept repeating to the paramedics.

PEPTI-COLON, FL. - The self-proclaimed "most dangerous man in America" proved to himself and right-wing media cohort Ann Coulter that he is exactly that early yesterday evening, when Limbaugh succumbed to the putrid stench of his own bowel movement.

According to Coulter, the two had plans to "go to the range and fire off a few rounds," so Coulter had stopped by to pick him up. She knew something was amiss when he excused himself to use the bathroom and did not return for an hour and a half. "He's almost never in there more than an hour," she explained.

Coulter went to check up on her friend, but he did not reply to her knocks or shouts from the hall outside. Frantically, she took a deep breath, squeezed her bony ass under the door, flushed the toilet, opened the window, then unlocked the door and let herself out as quickly as possible.

Coulter's eyes were watering and blisters appeared to be forming on her skin when paramedics arrived. One paramedic recounted, "She told me she felt a little green, and all I could think was, holy sh*t, you actually are kinda' f*ckin' green, lady! What the f*ck!?" Coulter was immediately rushed to the Hanging Chad Memorial Hospital burn trauma ward.

The first team of paramedics got the conservative entertainer only as far as his hallway before calling for reinforcements. It took thirty-two paramedics working in four teams of eight more than forty minutes to extract the bloated blowhard from his residence. Several of the men collapsed as those remaining few who were not completely exhausted heaved El Rushbo into an awaiting ambulance. Then they rested, assessing damages to the ambulance's axles as they awaited a larger, more suitable ambulance.

Both Limbaugh and Coulter are currently in stable condition and recuperating at the Hanging Chad Memorial Hospital in Pepticolon, Florida.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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