Jesse Ventura Organizing Franken vs. Coleman "Senatorial Smackdown"

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Monday, 29 December 2008

image for Jesse Ventura Organizing Franken vs. Coleman "Senatorial Smackdown"
"This Senate race really WILL pack a punch!"

MINNEAPOLIS, MN - For nearly two months now, Al Franken and Norm Coleman have been locked in a virtual dead heat for a Minnesota Senate position. A long, drawn out recount has failed to settle the political stalemate in favor of either candidate, the margin having shrunk to mere double digits in recent days. In light of the situation, former Minnesota governor Jesse Ventura has begun organizing a professional-style wrestling match, dubbed the "Senatorial Smackdown," to determine who will get the seat.

Should the senate race still be too close to call by year's end, both candidates have agreed to "take it to the ring" at Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, site of the 2008 Republican Convention. The event will be televised on Pay-Per-View.

Ventura says Franken and Coleman will be outfitted with outrageous costumes including capes and masks for the one of a kind "Tables, Ladders, and Chairs" match. Special rules will also permit the use of additional foreign objects such as frying pans, spatulas, cookie sheets, and cheese graters, to be supplied by the spectators themselves. A title belt decorated with the Seal of the State of Minnesota will be suspended above the ring, with the first contender reaching the suspended belt being placed in the Senate seat.

Ventura says no plans have been made in case the match's winner sustains injuries so acute as to prevent him from performing his duties, and this is a distinct possibility since neither has any professional training for this type of sport. Ventura says, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it." Unconfirmed reports indicate an as yet unspecified Guernsey cow has been considered for the position should this situation arise.

Support for the "Senatorial Smackdown," sometimes called the "Battle for the Ballots," is widespread across much of Minnesota. This should come as no surprise, given the state's predilection for renegade politics and unorthodox political candidates, including Al Franken and Jesse Ventura themselves.

No candidate is considered a favorite in the match, though it's worth noting Franken has squared off against such particularly nasty opponents as FOX News and Ann Coulter, emerging unscathed. He also once "bitch-slapped" Bernie Goldman. On the other hand, Coleman has a proven track record of being an especially vicious contender, as Paul Wellstone might testify, and possesses an uncanny ability to shift his positions at will. He also has a bit of a "home field" advantage, having attended the Republican Convention in the same venue. Apparently, this is still anyone's race.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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