Ben & Jerry's New Obama Flavor: Cinnamon Rocky Road

Funny story written by David David

Sunday, 9 November 2008

image for Ben & Jerry's New Obama Flavor: Cinnamon Rocky Road
Will it be Blue Skies or Rocky Road for Obama as Ben & Jerry's choose their new flavor?

Cowshed, Vermont - Ice cream moguls, Ben & Jerry have unleashed their latest concoction in honor of Barack Obama's recent election as President of the United States - Cinnamon Rocky Road.

Ben & Jerry are noted as much for their politics as their whacky and irreverent ice cream empire, and have honored the likes of satirist Stephen Colbert, muckraker Michael Moore, and rock-band Phish with novelty ice cream flavors.

Catching up with the zany pair at their farm in rural Vermont, this reporter was able to obtain an exclusive interview concerning the new Obama ice cream soon to hit the markets.

"This is truly an historic event, electing Obama," proclaimed Ben, as he wiped clean a cow's udder. "We felt it had to be chronicled for American posterity."

"That's right," added Jerry, with one arm up to his elbow in a heifer. "And what Americans remember most about their history is ice cream flavors."

Ben & Jerry went on to explain the choice of Cinnamon Rocky Road to honor Obama.

"Well first of all, we could hardly use dark chocolate, could we?" Ben said rhetorically. "Ice cream making is a lot more precise than American politics or political correctness."

Jerry chimed in, "Right you are, Ben. Imagine if we tried to make a Sarah Palin flavor and called it IQ165. No one would believe it and our credibility would be shot."

"You just inspired me, Jerry. How about we do a Sarah Palin selection called Moose Droppings? There's plenty of moose in Vermont these days," exclaimed Ben, his mind racing ahead to their next venture and scanning the woods for moose.

"Pay no attention to Ben, he gets that way quite often," cautioned Jerry, his arm now up to his armpit in the heifer.

"So we did a complex chemical analysis, and cinnamon was the closest natural food color to match Obama. I think people will really like it, and of course, there's the spice trade connection to the slave trade as well, for those interested in a longer view of history."

Ben now returned from the nearby maple grove with a hand full of moose droppings and chucked them into a blender.

"So that explains the cinnamon," said Ben. "As for the Rocky Road part, we thought marshmallow fluff and nuts would be just right to capture the essence of Obama's big win."

"Not only that, but as soon as the euphoria wears off, people will quickly see that there is one hell of a rocky road ahead for America and the world," added Jerry. "And what better way to break that news to Americans than with ice cream."

Ben and Jerry then made the surprise announcement that they were going to concoct their new Obama Cinnamon Rocky Road ice cream using human milk instead of cow's milk.

"You know, those PETA nuts have been after us ever since Little Britain's 'I want bitty' routine," explained Jerry, withdrawing his arm from the heifer.

"Yeah," added Ben, recounting the teats on a cow's udder before attaching the suctioning machine. "PETA challenged us to use human milk instead of cow's milk as an ethical environmental alternative. So we thought, Obama's all about change and 'yes we can' so let's do it for his flavor."

"We'll have to do a bit of retooling here at the farm," added Jerry, eying the milking machine, "but if all those Obama Mamas make donations to us, it shouldn't be a problem."

Ben's wandering mind suddenly lighted up. "Wow! Think of the other merchandising opportunities! We can replace all those tired old Vermont cow t-shirts with tit-shirts and model them at the inauguration."

"See, things are perking up already," added Jerry. "As they say on Wall Street, as goes ice cream, so goes America."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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