PHOENIX, Arizona - In an unprecedented move, Senator John McCain has decided to remove Governor Sarah Palin from the GOP ticket and replace her with Hollywood celebrity Cloris Leachman.
One of McCain's chief advisers, Tony Tremain said that even though this is an astoundingly unbelievable move it is one that had to be made. He added, "Look time is running out. Obama is literally kicking our butts in all fifty states, as well as in Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, Samoa, Kenya, and Liverpool. We had to do something."
When asked what Sarah Palin said when she was told, Tremain answered, "Sarah will be okay. She's under doctor's care as we speak. We managed to book a flight for her to return to Alaska...she'll be fine. I guarantee you as soon as she gets up in that helicopter and shoots a caribou or a moose she'll get over her depression."
Tremain was asked why they had decided on Cloris Leachman considering that at 82, she is ten years older than McCain. He smiled and said, "Well, duh...that was one of our positive points. You see when McCain stands next to her, it will make him look younger...or at least it won't make him look as old as he is. It's beautiful from a campaign strategy standpoint.
And there were other reasons. One, she just got voted off of 'Dancing With The Stars,' so we knew that she would be available. Two, she knows more about foreign affairs than Palin did. I mean the woman remembers when Europe only consisted of four countries, and three, Ms. Leachman owns well over 90 dresses, so we won't have a wardrobe problem there."
Tremain was literally beaming from ear to ear with his newfound campaign enthusiasm. He added, "and four, Cloris Leachman will not offend the dignified women of America because unlike 'Shotgun Sarah' Leachman doesn't go around shooting four-legged creatures. Now granted that the woman does have a habit of shooting off her mouth, but that's just a minor speed bump that we can definitely deal with."
When asked how McCain was doing, Tremain replied, "John is doing great. He is feeling extremely happy. He is smiling on his own. He is eating better. Goodness for a while there, the man had a horrible headache, a bothersome stomach ache, and a touch of diarrhea. But that is all behind him now."
When asked what Cindy McCain thought about the whole situation Tremain said that Mrs. McCain confided in him that she never did much care for Mrs. Palin. Mrs. McCain said to Tremain, "I don't know exactly what it is about her Tony...I guess it's just the fact that on several occasions she kinda of smelled a little like gunpowder.
Now don't get me wrong, she's a wonderful gal, but I guess that I just prefer to sit down and talk to another woman about womanly things like sewing, sweeping, and shopping instead of stalking, shooting, and skinning."
One of McCain's closest friends, Joe Lieberman called him and told him that it was truly a smart move on his part to replace Palin with Leachman. "Johnny" he said, "It is top-notch strategy because with Cloris Leachman on the ticket you will be assured of getting the Hollywood vote, the dancing vote, the funny vote, and my goodness Johnny even the women with wrinkles vote."
In related news, Sarah Palin reportedly called Katie Couric and told her that she wanted to just let her know that Cindy McCain lied when she said that she named her new dog 'Michelle' after the Beatles song. Palin said that Cindy named it after you-know-whose wife.