Sarah Palin: Even If John Wins, I Plan On Resigning

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Wednesday, 29 October 2008

image for Sarah Palin: Even If John Wins, I Plan On Resigning
Sarah Palin walking towards the moose she has just shot (photo courtesy of PETA)

FORT WALTON BEACH, Florida - In a surprising political statement, GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin has told Geraldo Rivera of Fox News that even if John McCain somehow pulls it off and is elected president that she will immediately resign her vice president's position.

Geraldo asked, "Governor, why in the world would you do that? and secondly, why don't you just drop out now before the election?" Palin answered, "Okay, well to answer your second question first, I will not drop out simply because I am not a quitter." She went on, "Geraldo, several months ago I was so happy and content simply being a wife, a mother, a hockey mom, a big game hunter, and of course governor.

"But now, it seems that every little darn thing that I do or say is instantly placed underneath the microscope. People criticize me because I spent $150,000 on clothes. Well big deal, that money, every single dime was taken from money that the GOP committee had received from donations.

"And let's not act like we don't know that Republicans are rich, they own businesses, and banks, and companies, and they make lots and lots of money." Palin winked and continued, "Ya know Geraldo people and especially the media have been so mean to me. They say that I am not qualified to be vice president because I do not know much about foreign policy. Well let me answer that by saying that there are a lot of people that don't know that Bombay is the capitol of Scotland, and does that mean that they're dumb or that they're unqualified to be vice president? Of course not.

"So any way I guess that I'm just upset because Tina Fey knows more about foreign affairs than I do...and yes, as much as I hate to admit it, it's true. No one knows this but when I guest stared on Saturday Night Live, Tina and I took a standard Washington D.C. generated test on foreign affairs. We did it just for fun. And Tina scored a 91 and I scored a 47."

Geraldo interrupted her, "You know governor, I knew that you scored a 47 on that foreign affairs test." "How?" Palin asked. "Because Tina called me up that night and she told me." Palin got upset, "What a bitch! And to think that I even let her use my lipstick. You see Geraldo stuff like that is exactly what I'm talking about."

"Geraldo another thing that I do not like is the way that I was treated by Katie Couric and Charlie Gibson. No one knows this, but after my interview with Charlie Gibson as we were walking out to my truck, he stopped and told me that it would probably be better for me, as well as for the country if I went ahead and dropped off the GOP ticket as soon as possible."

"So what did you say to him?" "I told him to get his own ride to the airport because I was not going to drive him there as I had promised him, because I just remembered that I had to go shopping for Ketchup."

"And tell me about Katie Couric." Palin raised her eyebrows and said, "Katie started off all 'goody goody two shoes' with me. She gave me a handful of Tic Tacs and even lent me a pantiliner, but then she changed like a raging bitch dog in heat."

"How did she change?" Geraldo asked. "Well, right after our interview she just got this horribly sinister look all of a sudden and she told me that in America ladies don't go around shooting animals. And so I quickly told her that I was from Alaska, and that up in Alaska just about every woman goes around shooting animals."

Geraldo laughed and said, "So what did Katie have to say to that?" Palin grinned and said, "She told me that just because she was from Virginia did that mean that she had to go around smoking tobacco products? Well Geraldo by that time it was close to midnight and I was tired and sleepy so I just answered yes. She put her nose up in the air and little blondie stormed off.

"Very interesting," Geraldo said. "So tell me are you still serious about resigning the vice presidency if 'Big Mac' wins the election?" Palin smiles and says "Geraldo, look very closely and read my lips...yes, if Johnny wins the election, I will resign immediately."

"Wow," Geraldo whispered, "I hadn't noticed that you have got the most sensuously sexy-looking lips that I have ever seen." Palin blushed and said, "Geraldo, let me give you a little inside tip...I can shoot the belly button off of a sleeping baby bunny at 100 yards without harming or even waking the baby bunny..." Geraldo interruped "Ah point taken. And Governor Palin it has been a pleasure interviewing you." "Ya betcha Geraldo, and knowing your reputation, I'm sure the pleasure was all yours."

In other news, the Se Habla Agua Bottled Water Company of Calexico, California, has just received the rights to distribute an imported product from Mexico known as 'El Bottled Diet Water.' This amazing product has an unbelievable minus 3 calories per 12 ounce bottle.

(Processed at location stamped in code at top of article)

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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