Germantown, PA - Cindy McCain, CEO and heiress to one of the largest Anheuser-Busch beer distributors in the United States, is taking her husband's flagging presidential campaign directly to the people.
Mrs McCain is using her vast beer distribution business and personal fortune to host a nation-wide Oktoberfest leading up to the election.
Promising all-you-can-drink free beer, pretzels and bratwurst, the week-long Republican Oktoberfest event is sure to be a crowd-pleaser.
"We're going to host free Oktoberfest events in every city and town across this great land of ours," declared John McCain, adding, "even in Utah. I can't wait to see and hear the Mormon Tabernacle Choir singing German drinking songs after a few steins of Budweiser. Eins, Zwei, Gsufor! (One, Two, Drink!)"
Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, McCain's running mate, can't wait to join in the fun. "We're very used to heavy drinking in Alaska you know. Hell, our Hockey Moms can drink Desperate Housewives under the table in nothing flat."
Todd Palin, Joe Six Pack and Joe the Plumber are doing their part to promote Oktoberfest by sponsoring a nation-wide beer belly contest.
"Dude! I can't imagine anyone with a beer gut voting for Obama," claimed Palin. I heard he even did a runner over in England on his half-sister's fiancé's stag night coz he couldn't handle a few pints of lager. What a total wimp."
Joe Six Pack agreed. "With free beer flowing like water, the Republicans will have this election in the bag. What a brill move for Cindy to pull off."
The general voting public seems to be enthused by the Republican Oktoberfest. In Moe's Bar in Springfield, average Joe's, Homer and Barney, both said they were switching their votes to McCain if free beer was involved.
"Duff's my favourite beer, but I can drink that other watered-down piss brand if it's free," slurred Homer. Barney belched in agreement.
Opinion polls conducted by Anheuser-Busch show a surge in McCain-Palin voters since the free beer Oktoberfest announcement. Anheuser-Bush spokesperson Michelob Dunkel Weisse reported that 80% of previous undecided voters were now firmly behind McCain.
"It only stands to reason. Do you want free beer or not? This is how Americans make up their minds," declared Dunkel Weisse. "It makes me proud to be an American."
In a desperate attempt to quell the Republican Oktoberfest surge, Democratic candidate Barack Obama has convinced his good friend and TV personality, Oompah Winfrey, to hold a telethon event warning of the dangers of binge drinking.
Looking slightly awkward in lederhosen, Obama spoke out against the Republican's promoting excessive drinking with their free-beer Oktoberfest campaign event.
"Look, you can fill the pig trough with beer, but they're still pigs," proclaimed Obama.
"I don't know what Cindy was thinking of. Michelle would never do something that crass. When I suggested a Democratic Chitlin Circuit campaign, Michelle was appalled. She said it was bad enough that we had to eat a family bucket of KFC every week just so I could discover my roots."
Meanwhile spirits are high at Republican headquarters.
"This free-beer Oktoberfest idea is catching on fast. We're going to win, thanks to Cindy," sang out a giddy and slightly sloshed volunteer, Leffe Blonde.
"Yes, we're looking past the election to the inauguration now," exclaimed Wurst Case Scenario, Republican transition team captain. "I don't want to give too much away, but I can tell you we've booked the Budweiser Clydesdales to convey the McCains and Palins to Capitol Hill for the ceremony. Prost! Zum Wohl!"
