Washington, D.C. - Under the cover story of having to shutdown the LHC experiment early at CERN for repairs, the GOP has been secretly conducting a little experiment of its own.
Disguised as the facility's janitorial crew, mopping up floors, changing light bulbs and emptying out office trashcans late into the night until the last of the real CERN employees has left the building, high-ranking staff members of the McCain's campaign finally take off their gray drab overalls, revealing cobalt blue business suits and red candy striped power ties underneath.
Before the last overall hits the floor, McCain's campaigners activate the LHC as they recreate what was once existed in theory only, a time traveling paradox known in the field of physicists as the Bradley Butterfly Effect.
"I just do get it," said an email sent to the McCain campaign headquarters back in the United States. "Every conservative white male, we sent back, hoping to change the election campaign outcome in the future has resulted in a defection to the Obama campaign, causing McCain to lose by a larger and larger landslide every time we send a GOP operative to the past. This shouldn't be happening according to the Bradley Butterfly Effect."
"That's because the Bradley Butterfly Effect is an urban legend," said a political analyst "A phony phenomena made up to justify of poor data and census taking then attributing it to racism."
According to the email, the GOP has given up trying to recreate the Bradley Butterfly Effect for now and refocused its efforts on winning the presidential election the old fashion way, stealing it outright.
"We're preparing to send another group of GOP operatives now," said the email. "This time we're giving each of them a copy of the local White Pages and having them pose as ACORN employees. And if they run out of names, they're instructed to start using their favorite Disney characters from their childhood."
In addition, the LHC will be recalibrated one last time to send the final wave GOP operatives to purge voter registration rolls in the here and now.
"And hope for the best that our operatives remember to keep their earplugs in this time, so they don't hear any of Obama's political campaign speeches, or we may lose them too," concluded the email.
