Wales has once again retained its crown as the fattest country in the UK after being named and shamed by the National Health Service.
According to the latest NHS survey, five of the six fat hot spots in Britain are Welsh. Only the Shetland Islands have more fat bastards per capita than Wales.
"That doesn't bother us", quipped Rhys Hamhaddocke from Torfaen. "There are only 72 permanent residents in the Shetlands anyway, so what if 58 of them are fat? We've got more fat bastards and slags than that in any Welsh pub on a Friday night.
Dr Dafydd Braster, local GP in Neath where an astounding 58% of the population is clinically obese, has called the problem an epidemic. We've tried everything but it keeps on getting worse. It didn't help that Little Britain filmed their 'Fat Fighters' routine here. You should have seen them queuing up to get auditioned and downing Krispy Kremes hand over fist. It was like the X Factor as a horror show.
Meanwhile the NHS has issued a stern health warning concerning obesity in Wales. Health Minister Rich O'Gravy warned, "The health risks are enormous and more wide-spread than we thought. Who would have believed that swimming could be fatal for fat people? Just last weekend 17 Welsh teenagers drowned off Aberporth beach. Evidently the Coast Guard spotted them sunbathing and assuming they were beached whales, towed them out to sea and released them."
Rhonda Crempog, owner and chef at the traditional Welsh restaurant, Fwyd Cymreig in Rhondda, serves up tasty dishes laden in lard. "Not only do we keep the buttons popping off all the clothes of the local populace, we have our fair share of celebrities coming in to pig out as well", said Rhonda, in between mouthfuls of Laverbread. "Just last week Tom Jones stopped by for his usual fix of fried laver cakes in bacon fat."
Welsh singer Ton Jones was also recently featured on BBC's Who Do You Think You Are celebrity genealogy show. Among the surprises confronting Jones on the show was finding out that his original surname was Llardass and that his great-great grandmother came from Tonga. His paternal great-great-great grandfather was also imprisoned as a habitual offender for stealing pork pies.
Welsh warbler, Charlotte Church has admitted on her chat show Chewing the Fat, that the only way she can lose weight is by keeping pregnant. "Most women worry about gaining weight during their pregnancies", chirped Church, "but at least I stop my drinking pretty much and usually manage to drop a stone or two." Charlotte's rugby star husband, Gavin Henson has said he likes his wife slim and so plans to keep her preggers by putting his ball into the scrum as often as possible whilst playing both up and under.
Dr Who and Torchwood star John Barrowman, well-known for mincing his words, whined "I've gained 7 stone since we began filming in Wales. Just look at my ass. My partner says it looks like the Cardiff time-space rift. He got lost in there once and we had to send the entire Torchwood cast and crew into my wormhole to rescue him."
Connie Fisher, originally from rural Pembrokeshire rocketed to West End stardom in The Sound of Music after auditioning for the part on the BBC reality show, How do you solve a problem like Maria? However, her fame has waned recently when she dropped two dress sizes. "It's not because of stress as the tabloids are reporting" shot back a defiant Miss Fisher. "It's that damned slimming body suit that Andrew Lloyd-Weber made me wear. I'm Welsh, I'm fat, get over it Andrew!"
Not surprisingly, there is considerable Welsh sentiment blaming the English in general for their fat predicament. "It goes right back to the closing the coal mines, doesn't it?" theorised Rhobert Porchell, a rotund retired miner who now spends his days and nights at the Swrth Diotwr pub. "There's nowt for us to do but spend our DSS benefits on drink, drugs, cigarettes, slags, and meat pies and pasties."
"It's not just that," piped up Pedr Pasgedig, following a loud belch. "Them English bastards just keep up the attack. Every year the Cooper's Hill Cheese-Rolling event in bordering Gloucester sends hundreds and hundreds of rounds of fine Gloucester cheese rolling right down the valley and crossing into Gwent. Who can resist free cheese?"
Sociologist Samantha Glamorgan at Aberystwyth University has published many studies on Welsh obesity. It's amazing how we Welsh are in such denial about our morbid fatness, always blaming others for our blubber. We've even gone so far as to delude ourselves that we have our own language. That's ridiculous. Anyone can speak Welsh. Just talk with a mouth full of mashed potatoes, just like we all do."
Charles, Prince of Wales, has weighed in on the obesity problem by writing several letters to the Welsh Assembly and the press. "I haven't been to Wales since I was crowned prince by mummy decades ago. As I recall, it was a lovely quaint place full of friendly people. I was younger then so I just assumed everyone was a grown up as they were all so much bigger than me. I'm now horrified to learn that you are all a bunch of fat bastards. As your prince, I'm slim, so why can't you follow suit? If you don't shed your loads, you won't be seeing me again anytime soon."
Buckingham Palace has distanced itself from Prince Charles' remarks by issuing the following statement on behalf of Her Majesty the Queen. "We congratulate Wales on their achievement of being crowned fattest people in the realm. If it weren't for all you fat bastards over there, we English of German stock could easily feel badly about ourselves. Good luck, or said with a mouth full of mash, Hawddamor to you all."
