Arkansas Man Claims Sightings Of "Shemp", Mobutu & "'Hey, Vern' Guy"

Funny story written by ZiaUl-Hack

Wednesday, 5 May 2004

image for Arkansas Man Claims Sightings Of "Shemp", Mobutu & "'Hey, Vern' Guy"
Saw Shemp?

(Eureka Springs, Arkansas) Local resident Jeb Foster, 33, has long vexed municipal authorities in this picturesque southern town. While police here are fully prepared to deal with the inevitable reports of sightings of deceased legends such as Elvis Presley, and even Jim Morrison and Jimi Hendrix, Foster continues to confound the police and strain the limited town budget by filing reports of having sighted what one town administrator characterized as "generally B-list stiffs that no one ever gave a second thought to."

Last week, Foster, who several years back was convicted of uttering a forged instrument in a Slavic language, and lists his occupation as "vole manipulator," reported to police that he had observed "Shemp" Howard, late of "The Three Stooges" eating creamed chipped beef on toast at the Bob Evans restaurant on County Route 36. Police put out an APB and called on the local Sheriff's office for support, but no Stooges of any stripe could be found.

Foster, who lives in a small cottage outside the town limits with his elderly aunt, Eurydice Foster, showed up at the Second Precinct the following day to report that he had "just seen" the late Zairois thugocrat Joseph Mobutu "at the deli counter at the Piggly Wiggly". Desk Officer Dennis Ratican immediately dispatched two RMP's to the site, but by the time they arrived Mobutu was gone.

Since then, Foster has continued to file reports of bizarre sightings.

"We are being snowed under with paperwork leading to dead-end investigations, and we are barely equipped to handle it," says police administrative assistant Mary Lou Barnes. "Mr. Foster has been in here three times in the last two days. He claimed he saw the 'Hey, Vern' guy filling up at Texaco, the guy who used to play Captain Kangaroo scratching his elbow on Main Street, and Zulfiqar Ali Bhutto, the former President of Pakistan, eating a sausage at a hot dog stand near the old Falkner mansion."

Extensive searches for these men likewise proved futile. One inside source stated on background that "the Bhutto tip smelled a little bad from the git-go, because we didn't think a Pakistani would really be likely to eat a sausage"

Questioned about the sightings, Foster stated unequivocally that "roasted pus pancakes were greasing up the Lecompton Constitution. Bumptiously"

In the meantime, an anonymous tip that Mobutu had resurfaced at Bessie's Laundromat on Front Street was investigated and found to be "mistaken".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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