Written by Morse

Sunday, 24 August 2008

image for College Presidents Propose Lower Drinking Age...Happy Hour now a required course!
Higher Education?

Middlebury, Vt. /AP - Former Middlebury College President John McCardell has enlisted 100 college presidents behind his bill to lower the drinking age from 21 to 18 in an effort to make higher education "more fun".

The Coalition of college presidents propose to install on campus beer halls, sponsor their own Spring Breaks, film and market their own "Girls Gone Wild" videos through the colleges' communications division, and run college liquor and legalized marijuana stores on campuses through out the states.

An informed spokesman said the move was to increase income to beleaguered colleges such as Dartmouth, Duke, John Hopkins as well as large powerhouses like Ohio State to increase revenue during tough economic times.

"We are losing our students to off campus drinking establishments, they are leaving their dorms during Spring Break and taking their money to foreign countries causing a currency imbalance, and a financial crisis to our educational institutions," the spokesman said.

Negotiations are underway with several alcoholic beverage companies to provide sponsorships to the schools' athletic stadiums along with the usual promotional gimmicks such as lighted beer signs and free samples to freshman students during orientation week.

In addition the Coalition announced they would be increasing their freshman enrollment by at least 25% figuring for alcoholic attrition on the non-refundable tuition within the first 3 months of attendance.

College Study Halls will now have a pub like ambiance and be open 24/7 with free Wi-Fi to enhance the educational experience. Also available will be an extensive file of term papers and advanced thesis titles so undergraduates will not have to purchase them from off campus web sites. Master Card and Visa will be accepted, as well as Debit cards backed by the undergraduates' parents.

McCardell discounted reports that most college students could barely write a coherent sentence, didn't read above 8th grade level, and had the attention span of a gnat. "This is the 21st Century," he said. "If you have articulating thumbs and can navigate a Blackberry you're entitled to a BA Degree!"

A what about those students that fall by the wayside?....."they can either go into professional sports, politics or into the administration of higher education" the spokesman said.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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