Washington DC-- Congress voted today to make web-surfing while drunk or stoned illegal. Penalties are $5,000 for the first offense with a mandatory jail term of one year in federal prison. Local police departments will enforce the law.
Congress empowered the local authorities to enter any home or business with an internet connection to drug test anyone online. President Bush happily signed the bill into law as soon as it came from Capitol Hill.
"We want to make internet surfing safe for everyone. There is just too much damage from intoxicated surfers on the net, it's very harmful." said bill sponser Senator Gib Rehtorb (R-PA). "Studies show most trolls are drunks and most activity on the net happens when people are intoxicated." said the senator.
Online giants Amazonia.com and TheSpoof.com were against the new law. "Almost 60% of our customers are impaired when they buy from us." said Eve Jobs, founder of Amazonia.web. "Most customers have no idea what they are buying from us, or the price." laughed evil Eve.
TheSpoof.com may have to shut down, according to founder Mark Lark. Writers for TheSpoof.com are notorious for consuming alcohol and drugs before writing their so-called stories.
"We won't last a month." said Mr. Lark. "All of the writers will be in jail, especially that awful Mr. Fish!"