Vatican - (Holy Ass Mess): The Pope yesterday conferred the Vatican's highest military honor on President George W Bush and awarded him the Holy Swastika Medal for services to gagging the God's Banker murder probe that conceal Joseph Ratzinger's embezzlement of £400 million in papal funds and missing Nazi gold.
Bush is now expected to return the favor and apply for an official licence to practise Catholicism when he leaves orifice in January next year.
The presentation comes ahead of Sunday's London visit where the White House is confident Bush will be enrolled into Albion's ancient and disreputable Order of the Gutter in a personal gesture from his aunt the Puppet Monarch.
"Nothing absolutely nothing can or will go wrong, of course," a Palace spokesman for the Lord Chamberlain Lord Luce-Cannon said today.
Bush is expected to hold private talks with Prime Monster Gorgon Brown and then spend a sleepover at Windsor Castle where he will be initiated into the heraldic order.
Our Man In The White Tower writes: The ancient initiation ceremony includes ritual slaughter of a virgin albino ermine/short-tailed weasel-cross whose skin is peeled off under the light of the waxing moon before being placed over the naked applicant's member, fur-side out. A royal magnifying glass is always on hand to help locate the appropriate location...