Nixon rises from the dead to challenge McCain: "Even I could beat Obama!"

Written by Tragic Rabbit

Sunday, 24 February 2008

image for Nixon rises from the dead to challenge McCain: "Even I could beat Obama!"
Republican presidential candidate Richard M. Nixon greets his future Secretary of Education.

Washington--Former U.S. President Richard Milhous Nixon rose from the dead today to announce his surprising upset bid to challenge Senator John McCain for the slot of Republican Party 2008 presidential candidate.

"Even I could beat Obama!" exclaimed the disgraced 37th president of the United States, speaking in his trademark clinically depressed hangdog monotone.

Reporters flocked to hear Nixon speak at the hastily called press conference this morning, convened moments after the former president sent two Yorba Linda gardeners into cardiac arrest by rising from the dead and then asking for a coffee.

It was "a light show worthy of Spielberg" claim several clerks at the nearby Richard Nixon Presidential Library, referring to today's unexpected sunrise reanimation of the former president, during which he left the grave alongside that of former First Lady Pat Nixon where he has been since his death in 1994.

Washington pundits are rushing to analyze this astonishing election year turn-around.

"I just don't know," admits Tiffany Jones, chairwoman of D.C. based Pendejo Pundits political thinktank. "We're deep in discussions now on who to offically endorse."

"While we at Pendejo Pundits respect Mr. Nixon's firm resolve regarding escalation of U.S. involvement in Vietnam and his support of FBI infiltration and elimination of left-wing domestic dissident groups (COINTELPRO ) ," she told reporters, "we have to ask ourselves: can a dead man really be effective as President of the United States?"

Many political analysts are quick to agree with this assessment.

"Nonsense!" retorts Nobel Prize winner Henry Kissinger, former Secretary of State under the first two Nixon administrations.

"If the past eight years have taught us nothing else, it's proved that Americans don't cast their votes according to the presence or absence of a presidential candidate's brain activity," Kissinger insists.

"Being dead won't hurt Dick's chances at all, " he continues, "I am confident of his ability to beat that colored man, Ol' Bamy."

When questioned on the constitutionality of a dead man as American presidential nominee, Kissinger replied, quoting himself, "The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a little longer."

Former president Nixon is now meeting privately with advisors, his newly appointed campaign spokesmen told reporters. He is collating FBI survelliance data, they say, and, like Santa Claus, checking it twice before updating his lists of the Naughty and the Nice.

When questioned on whether former president Nixon's heavily FBI-oriented activities thus far indicate a potentially paranoid personality, his advisors rushed to reassure the assembled press.

"If everybody is your enemy, then you're not paranoid."

Republican party officials could not be reached for comment.


Tragic Rabbit, USA Tomorrow

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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