Political Candidates To Attend Funeral In Utah

Funny story written by Jalapenoman

Monday, 28 January 2008


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All candidates will be across the street from the historic tabernacle this week.

On Sunday, 97 year old Gordon B. Hinckley, President and Prophet of the 13 million member Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (known more commonly as The Mormon Church) passed away due to complications from old age. His funeral will be held in Salt Lake City in the Conference Center later this week.

All of the major political candidates will stop campaigning for the afternoon and attend the funeral. When asked why, a few responded.

"Are you kidding," said John McCain, "there's over six million Mormons in this country. If half of them are adult registered voters, that's three million who will get to see me on television at their leader's funeral!"

Governor Mike Huckabee, who questioned Mitt Romney's beliefs, said that "some real Christian has got to be there."

Hillary Clinton said that she would attend, just as she attended the Coretta Scott King funeral, but only if she were allowed to make a speech. When told that the rest of the candidates would be there without speaking, she said that she was going to be there also.

Barack Obama said that if he spoke, it would have to be after Hillary "cuz she gonna insult me and rag on me some mo'." When told that the state was over 90 percent Republican and only 1% black, Obama said that maybe he could "catch a Utah Jazz game and see a few brothers after the services."

Rudy Giuliana, when asked why anyone would be so callous as to try to make political points out of a death or funeral, said "When I was mayor of New York City after thousands of great Americans were killed on 9/11...."

John Edwards said that "Salt Lake is out west and on the way to Los Angeles and I think I need to stop and get another haircut."

Mitt Romney, the only Mormon candidate, said with quiet reverence that "I loved and honored the man and wish to pay my respects. Besides, there's a restaurant that I really grew to love in Salt Lake when I ran the Winter Olympics and I've been craving their onion rings."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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