Los Angeles Police to be paid on Commission

Funny story written by NickFun

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

image for Los Angeles Police to be paid on Commission
Jeff Edwards says the new payment policy will help him slim down.

Los Angeles Police Chief William Bratton announced today that he will be doing away with police officers salaries and they will be paid on a "per crime" basis from this day on. Bratton claims that this will encourage police to make more arrests and cut down on police "donut time".

"I see too many cops out there eating donuts, playing with children and not doing their jobs", Bratton stated. "If they had a greater financial incentive they would make more arrests and make better cops".

"Too many cops are out there risking their lives every day", said Los Angeles County Professional Police Officers Association spokesperson Niles Reardon. "And they get paid the same for a traffic ticket as they do for a murder or rape arrest. From now on they will be compensated for what they do and how much they risk their lives."

Reardon said simple traffic tickets will be worth $10 to the officers. Murder and rape arrests could net the officer anywhere from $100 to $5,000, depending on the difficulty in making the arrest.

"A simple 'no resistance' arrest would be worth a hundred bucks", Reardon continued. "An arrest with a foot chase would be $500. If the officer has to fire his gun in self defense there will be an additional $500 commission. And if the arrest results in a big drug bust they will be given the full $5,000".

Bratton said drug arrests usually involve huge cash seizures and the officers will be allowed up to 10% of the haul.

Bratton said illegal immigrants would be worth only $5 each. "We're trying to make cops pick them up by the truckload to make decent money", Bratton stated.

Los Angeles patrolman Jeff Edwards said, "it just won't pay to be at the donut shop during working hours anymore. Maybe I'll slim down."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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