Convicted killer asks Court of Appeal for "Get out of Jail Free" card

Funny story written by Noshing Mink

Monday, 5 November 2007

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"Order, order" "I'll have a Big Mac and fries, please"

Convicted killer Gary Borge, who was found guilty of shooting TV celebrity Jan Dildo several years ago, is asking the Court of Appeal to quash his appeal on the grounds that the judge and jury at his original trial attached too much weight to the fact that firearm residue marked "This is what called Jan Dildo" was found in his coat pocket.

BBC journalist and lawyer groupie Joshua Beefburger told our reporter that the evidence which put Borge away seemed fairly strong at the time, but a wishy-washy Court of Appeal may decide that a doubt exists about how the firearm residue got into Borge's coat pocket.

"Nobody saw Borge put it there", he remarked, fatuously, wishing he had passed his Bar exams thirty years ago.

The other evidence that the prosecution relied on at trial was a supposed confession, consisting of a document signed in front of ten witnesses (three of them Lords of Appeal), detailing exactly how Borge planned and executed the killing. However, Borge's lawyers are saying that no weight should be attached to the confession. His barrister, Mr. £1,000anhour QC, who is being paid by the Legal Services Commission (i.e. from your and my taxes) told the Court of Appeal:

"Borge was induced to sign the confession by the offer of an extra lump of sugar in his tea. Therefore, quad erat demonstrandum, non est factum, carpe diem. It is unreliable."

Lord Justices Blind, Witless and Stupid are expected to give their decision shortly.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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