Bush Introduces Another Anti-Terrorism Device

Written by h. Richter

Friday, 31 August 2007

image for Bush Introduces Another Anti-Terrorism Device
Evildoer Matt Nelsen Having Soul Read

The Bush administration has approved the Office of the Director of National Intelligence and the Department of Homeland Security to continue development on a machine that will read people's souls.

From a statement issued by the Department of Homeland Security: "The SS-722 'Soulreaver' is the most advanced terrorist detector known to the modern world and will be able to protect American people from those that would threaten America."

According to further information gained from sources within the Department of Homeland Security the Soulreaver was originally tested in New Jersey's Newark Airport. Setbacks occurred when the Soulreaver blew up and the scientists working on it were forced to start over.

Testing has since resumed at Mason City Municipal in Mason City, Iowa.

American Civil Liberty and religious leaders from across the country were quick to react to the news.

Reverend Al Sharpton held a press conference in Brooklyn, New York. "The church is the only one that can tell you what your soul is and what your soul isn't. This is another broad government oversight designed to take religion out of the church and hand it out for free. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining."

Indications from early polling show 22% of Americans outraged, 8% of Americans thinking this is a good idea and 70% not caring so long as it helps them on the plane faster.

Marc Mueller, Professor of Psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, analyzed the polling information: "I would be interested to see how they arrived at their results. That 22% of people that were 'outraged' seems a little high to me."

Governor Tim Pawlenty (R Minnesota) commented that, "Results show that America has spoken and that we are ready for a change. We want to make sure that we are safe."

Governor Pawlenty did state later that government officials should still maintain their exemption from having to go through these security measures, "We're your government. If you're not going to trust us, who are you going to trust?"

Robert Johnson, blues musician from Greenwood, Mississippi, said "I ain't got nothing to tell [the Soulreaver]." Members of the Department of Homeland Security have declined comment on how the Soulreaver will deal with individuals who have sold their souls to the Devil.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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