Bush Condemns World's "Small Countries"

Written by Ludi Kundera

Monday, 27 August 2007

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In a rare moment of unscripted candidness, American President George Bush spent time away from answering questions at a recent speech to students at the University of Kansas to voice his displeasures and concerns about small countries.

"Small countries complicate everything and end up attacking each other a lot," the President stated, "not to mention that it's hard to find them on maps."

Bush said he remembered the simplicity of the Cold War, and sometimes wished back to the days when there were only two countries in the world.

"Even though we didn't like each other, at least we knew where the other guy was coming from. Nowadays, I can barely keep up with all these new countries, let alone know what they want. Sure, I can still find Russia, and Canada, and China's not too much trouble, and Australia's the big island. But the rest of them, it can be difficult."

As for Mexico, "It's not really small, but it'd still be better if we could make a state out of it."

Bush then praised the pioneering efforts of the European Union to simplify the world's geography.

"At a time when countries seem to be splitting up rather than joining together, I applaud the efforts of the European Union to act a little bit more selflessly," said Bush. Adding, "It's about time a fairly big country like Germany took matters into its own hands and decided to unite the continent."

Still, according to the President, the European Union is the exception. And there are plenty of examples of small countries only leading to trouble.

"Take the Middle East. The biggest trouble spot in the world today, and it's absolutely filled with dinky, little countries. But just imagine how quickly they'd all make peace if someone went there and made a Middle Eastern Union. One country, no more fighting."

This need to unite was especially true of countries with similar sounding names, Bush continued.

"Iraq and Iran are right next to each other and only one letter different. Why are they two countries? If they'd have joined together five or six years ago, then we'd only have to invade once. And God Almighty knows what the world needs is less wars."

Asked if that was a reasonable and realistic solution, Bush answered by drawing on the experience of the United States itself.

"Just look at us. We're a great example of what I'm talking about. Each of our states is like a little country in itself, but we've got a whole fifty of them in what we call America. Now, wouldn't the whole international situation be a heck of a lot simpler if North and South Korea just followed the lead of North and South Dakota?"

Bush then switched tone, becoming more philosophical, as he speculated on how smaller states would fare in the arena of politics in the years to come.

"I don't think they'll do well," the President stated bluntly. "Just imagine what it'll be like once we discover extra-terrestrial lifeforms. The big countries won't have any problems, because you can see them well enough from up in space. But if you're one of those small countries, then how are the aliens ever going to see you, let alone be able to make out what you're called."

He then held up a map of the world and demonstrated how larger countries will take the lead in inter-planetary trade based on the fact that they have more physical space on which to write their names.

"The United States, for example, will be able to use a much bigger font than, say, Greece. As a result, Americans will thrive in the Martian markets while the Grecians will fall more and more behind."

The American President finished his speech by thanking the enraptured students but urging patience and caution.

"Obviously, a world government, one really big country, will be an ideal solution for the future. But we need to take baby steps first. After all, small countries are countries, too. And they can tie up military resources just like the big ones. You can't change horses in mid-stream until the mission's accomplished," he concluded.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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